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People ask things of one another. It is part of being in a mutually supportive relationship. Family members ask things of each other, partners, work colleagues ask of their fellow team members, friends share. Sometimes its your time, sometimes money, sometimes support on a touchy issue, sometimes your labour, sometimes just your acceptance or approval. Sometimes we can say yes, sometimes no.

No matter how carefully we approach it there is no easy to say 'no' without feeling a bit bad about it.

Accept that it is not a sign of weakness that many of us can't say 'no' without feeling a little bad. We all like to be loved, especially by the people close to us, and saying 'no' is probably going to result in disappointment. We like to make those close to us happy, to ease the load of a work colleague, to show off our skills and impress with our wisdom, to see ourselves through the shining eyes of an excited child, to feel validated and strengthened by a parent's loving approval or gratitude.

It is human nature to want to be liked, and especially by those close enough to us to feel able to ask a favour. So even when the other person stresses that it is ok to say no there is often a feeling of discomfort, a sense or fear of having let that person down. Don't let that rule your thinking.

There are many ways of saying no. The bad way results in harsh words and silences and recrimination, the good is based on mutual respect and care, and sometimes a few unwise or uncomfortable words or reactions too, but within reason this is acceptable. Remember, its not just about you, both of you are going to feel bad about the 'no' word.

DON'T RUSH INTO IT

Sometimes the negative answer is because you can't actually give a definite answer at the moment of asking. It is usually ok to ask for time to check. If it isn't possible to wait, because, for example, they need a quick answer, then you can say, regretfully, that the answer must be no because you don't have time to make sure it is ok to say yes, and that you wouldn't like to let them down. This can be because you have to check with someone else, because you don't know if you are available, or because of factors you can't go into at the moment.

ACCEPT BOTH THEIR REASON TO KNOW WHY,BUT ALSO YOUR RIGHT NOT TO GIVE A REASON

After considered thought you decide to refuse the request, and when considering how to let them know, think about who it is that is making the request and how they are likely to react. When the person is someone who is

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