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Divorce is supposed to be a final end to a relationship, right? Doesn't it mean that the relationship is finished, over, done, dissolved, finito? The ex-spouse has nothing whatsoever to do or say about your choice in dating and you have no say so whatsoever about whom they decide to date, or do you?

But what about when there are children? When it comes to who you or your ex decides to bring into your children's lives, don't you have some right to protect your children from unsavory or inappropriate characters? This is a sticky situation that can get ugly. There may even be legal ramifications. I have a disturbing tale involving my ex-wife's choice of men.

A couple of years after our divorce, I took custody of our three children. My ex was moving back to Chicago where her family was in order to try and start over, so the children stayed with me. The children, at the time ages 14, 12 and 11, would spend most of the summer there with her. My ex-wife had had several relationships by this time and I had never had a real problem with any of them. My children knew how to speak up for themselves and look after each other and knew they could come to me with any concerns. My ex-wife was at the time seriously dating a man named Arnold who I had met during one of my son's eighth grade graduations.

One summer, a couple of weeks after the children were in Chicago, I got a call from a social worker there, informing me that the children would have to come back to me immediately. The problem was that my wife's now live-in boyfriend Arnold was a registered sex offender and was not allowed to be in any residence overnight with children. My ex had been warned and had violated the warning. Had she lost her mind! I was shocked and livid, to say the least. I felt betrayed by someone I had once loved and had trusted even after our divorce, at least to look out for the welfare our shared and treasured offspring. I will only say that it is a blessing for all involved that she was 350 miles away when I was given this news.

The social worker sent the children home to me on the Greyhound bus that evening. They were fine and there had been no incidents involving them. Harm was done, however; they lost some trust in their mother's judgment to put their well being above her own romantic interests. Even though the relationship with Arnold eventual faded, the scars were there. And I still feel some guilt as I think of it now, wondering if there was anything I should have done to prevent the situation.

I guess what I learned is that, while divorce is final concerning any emotional or personal interest in who your ex-spouse chooses to date, there will always be a great deal of interest when minor children are involved. Even if it is not a legal issue, as in my situation, there should still be an active interest in whoever your ex is involving in your children's lives. In some cases, you might even have to make it a legal issue by going to court over custody or visitation issues when the ex-spouse's choices endanger your children; like in the case of alcohol or drug abusers, physical or emotional abuse or criminal history. So I guess in cases with children involved, divorce is not so final after all.

Learn more about this author, I. Michael Akbar.
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