2 of 27

Write now Article Tools

If children are present in a divorce, it is inevitable that ongoing communication will have to occur with the ex-spouse. The ultimate goal is for both parents to settle into an effective co-parenting role, where they support each other's parenting decisions and work together for the benefit of the children. This happens naturally in some divorces, but the vast majority require hard work and determination to reach the goal.

So how do you communicate effectively with your ex-spouse? First, it is critical to put aside any resentment and negative emotions. Effective communication cannot occur if there are residual bad feelings hovering. Keep the children in your mind as the ones who are most important and maintain the focus on them.

Avoid accusatory statements and attacks, no matter how well deserved they may be. For example, when my daughter was eight years old she went skiing with her father. He forced her to ski down a run that was far too difficult for her and she ended up being transported down the mountain by the emergency crew on oxygen. Fortunately, she was not seriously injured.

First, I talked to my daughter and asked her what had happened. She explained that she felt the run was too hard but her dad insisted. I told her that she was the one who got to decide if a ski run was too hard for her or not, and if it happened again she should simply sit down and keep explaining to her father until he understood.

Then, I talked to my ex. I waited until my anger had settled and I was able to focus on the issue at hand; our daughter's safety. I explained to him that she had not wanted to disappoint him and had thus gone along with his wishes even though she knew it was not the right thing to do. I asked that he listen to her feelings if a similar situation ever arose. I kept my tone even and the focus on my daughter. I did not accuse or attack him or yell at him, even though I wanted to do all three. Instead, my calm demeanor resulted in a good discussion that came to a successful resolution.

Oh, it wasn't easy. Communicating with an ex-spouse will rarely be easy. But by keeping my daughter as my focus I was able to avoid saying negative things to my ex that would have caused a huge upset and solved nothing in the long run.

If you have many things to discuss with your ex, it may be helpful to make a list so that you keep on track and don't forget to bring up any issue that is important to you. Telephone discussions are often the best, as it is easier at times to remain calm if one isn't face to face with the other party. Alternatively, meeting in a public, neutral place is a good option. Avoid having serious discussions in either home to avoid one person having an advantage over the other.

Don't let yourself get caught up in blame games or arguments when you are trying to communicate with your ex-spouse. If he or she starts an argument and you can't redirect it, end the conversation gracefully and suggest it be discussed at a later date. Arguments do not solve anything and they carry the potential of perpetuating negative feelings. Arguments are not conducive to effective communication!

Give your ex his or her turn to speak, and listen to what they are saying. True communication is not one-sided, and it is likely that the ex will also have issues that are bothering them. By engaging in active listening and positive communication, you will have a much better opportunity to develop an effective communication style between the two of you.

Learn more about this author, Rebecca Dyson.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

Add your voice

Know something about Divorce: Communicating with your ex?
We want to hear your view. Write now!