My oldest son will be four in April 2008. I lost a great love of mine on July 18, 2007. My Nana, (my dads mom). He was with me went I went up to Northern California to see her off to the Angels. I knew she would not make it. She'd been in and out of the Hospital 17 or 18 times in a year. This was to be her last journey. I was pregnant when she hit the peak of her sickness. I was not allowed to travel to see her, it was too far, and my pregnancy was rough. My second child was born 6 weeks before she passed. I wasn't supposed to go, I had an emergency c-section, and wasn't passed my 8 week postpartum. But like I said I knew this was it.

I had wanted so badly to go see her for such a long time. I had just 10 more days until my sons first pictures came in so I could send them to her. She never got to see him, kiss him, hold him, or touch him, and I've felt sooo guilty for it. She never even saw his picture.

Although I have not cried in my childrens presence over the immense pain I feel, my oldest knows that my Nana is gone. He asks me where she is. I tell him she went back to Heaven. I know that he does not understand it at all, but I've tried to illustrate the fact the she is not here any more, but still with us always, because that is what I believe. He asks why she left, and instead of telling him that she was extreamly ill, I tell him that everyone comes from Heaven, and everyone goes back to Heaven. He tells me that he misses her, and that she comes to play with him. Like over this past Thanksgiving weekend we were going to my dads house in Vegas. As we were leaving the gas station he said "Mama, is Nana coming with us to Pipa's house?". I said "I don't know baby", and he said "Yes she is. She give me a kiss".

I can't begin to expalin all the feelings that I had after her passing, some that I still have today, but all in all, if I know she is with my children, I'm happy.

Learn more about this author, Ashley Newbill.
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