by Lilun Li

Created on: January 12, 2008

Most people think of childhood as this time that somehow eludes all the problems of the grownup world, this time of make believe and innocence without all the chains of society. Now that I'm 17, my parents often ask if I'm still caught up in that fairyland. I guess that the most honest answer I can give is that I'm caught at the cliff between that land and "reality," waiting for a catcher in the rye to catch me from falling into the abyss of adulthood.

As beautiful or magical as childhood is supposed to be, growing up is a painful process. Childhood is coupled with self-discovery, with trying to figure out who you are in a world dominated by adults. It's believing everything you want to believe, saying everything you want to say, doing everything you want to do, and then being told by adults that it's not the "proper" thing to believe or say or do because "they said so." It's questioning who you are and painfully stumbling along because you haven't picked up all pieces along the way yet. Mostly, it's about piecing together one piece at a time through trial and error and realizing that there exists this whole world outside of you, this whole world filled with billions of people just like you, this whole world that doesn't center around you.

Childhood is a gradual process of disillusionment. With each step, our parents let go of our hands a little bit more. With each passing year, we realize that Santa Claus and the tooth fairy don't really exist. With each experience, we realize that we knew a little less than we thought. With each sight, we realize that we have, really, seen quite little of the world. With each little piece of reality, we realize that we've been so protected by things like fairy tales and nursery rhymes and caring parents and concerned teachers that we haven't been exposed to the "real world."

At one point, we become aware of the adult world, of a parallel universe where our parents live out their lives. There comes a time when we find that that's where our own destinies lie. And after that, we can never be truly satisfied with childhood anymore because curiosity drives us to seek those futures just beyond the horizon.

And as we run, sprint, push ourselves to reach this cliff that separates the child's world from that of the adult, we hesitate a little. We know that once we jump, once we make this leap across, we can never go back to being a kid again. Standing there, watching shadows of those making their own leaps, I find that I'm somehow stuck. I'm still waiting, hoping, wishing that maybe, maybe, somebody can stay at this edge, this portal that connects the two parallel universes, forever. I'm still not ready to let go of my parents' hands for good; I'm still not ready to be my own safety net; I'm still not ready to lose the belief that anything is possible. My greatest fear that once I jump and see what lies on the other side, I'll find something so much less than what I expected. I'm afraid of being bound to a fallen destiny. Maybe that's why I'm still standing here, waiting for my Holden Caulfied to save me from whatever lies on the other side.

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