by Bridget Webber

Created on: January 11, 2008

It is only natural that some time after a divorce you may want to begin dating again. However, dating after a divorce can be a roller-coaster ride as you attempt to, most importantly, keep your children happy and secure and then to make your relationship work.

If you have children then the chances are that the idea of you dating at all, ever, will feel totally alien to them. All that they have known is you with their other parent and they probably would find it difficult to imagine you with another partner.

When you do meet someone new your children may genuinely feel shocked when they realize that you are 'together' as mummy and daddy used to be.

Children from divorced parents can feel extremely threatened when one of their parents begin dating. They may feel that their parent is attempting to bring a new mother or father into their lives to take the place of their original parent.

They also may feel that they need to be protective of one parent, particularly if they have seen them in distress during discord with the former spouse. Their reaction to another adult in a relationship with their mother or father may be one of defensiveness, both to protect their parent from possible unhappiness and as a reaction against a 'takeover' where they want their real parent to be.

The appearance of this other adult may act as a signal to them that they may loose contact somehow with the other parent. As you begin to date it will become clear that you are probably not going to resume your relationship with your spouse, which is what they may have been secretly hoping for.

It is important to make it clear that no-one will ever take their other parents place and that just because you are having a relationship doesn't force them to also, unless they are ready to.

It may take your child some time to adjust and this may not be at the same pace as you. Allowing them the freedom and time to heal as they need to and to choose not to rush into getting to know your date before they are ready can help to ease the situation.

Many newly dating parents attempt to get their children to like their date before they even know if they are serious in their relationship with them themselves.

This can mean that the child develops a bond with this person and will suffer loss if the parent and this new person breaks up their relationship. This is unnecessary and can be avoided by making sure that you only introduce a date with whom you are sure that you have a strong relationship.

When this does happen it is best to tell your child before they meet them to get them used to the idea and to lessen the shock.

A mistake that some parents make is to let a new partner begin to disipline their child. This can make a child feel betrayed and angry, as well as confused as to what is going on.

Making sure that your new partner understands this and is happy about it 'before' they meet is essential for the growth of any new relationship between your child and partner.

Most importantly of all, letting your child know that they are loved just as much despite you having a new partner and that you are not giving away their share of love to another can help your child to feel safe and secure.

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