by Mia Dawson

Created on: January 11, 2008

I believe I was born lonely. I was born different, never quite fitting in with my classmates at the very earliest stages of my life. I walked alone, not sure to this day whether it was by choice or happen stance. I felt different. I remember, I looked different. I thought at the time , that I walked alone because I was so much smaller than the rest of the kids, I had stringy long blond hair, and very dark circles under my eyes. (severe anemia). Then I questioned my social status, we didn't have alot of money, in reality ...we had no money.

I look back, and I realize now, that all of the obvious outside malfunctions were not the cause of my problem. I have always had a restless side of me that I could never explain. I don't ever remember a time that I didn't wish I was somewhere else, or was someone else. I didn't wish to be better per say, just different from who I was.

I have always felt afraid, and I mean afraid of everything. I have always feared the dark, water, people, the lack of people, sleep, being alone, being in a crowd, ...the list goes on and on, most of what I fear completely contradicts itself. I know now how unreasonable it looks, but I still feel that way.

I ran away from home at an extremely young age, I'm 43 now and I fight to quit running. I am able finally to reason my self back to earth, and consider the fact that I can't run away from myself. I've heard rumor that I'm a likable enough person, that I have no reason to out run myself. I hope that one day I can believe it.

In 1999, I hadn't slept more than two hours at a shot for several months, I broke. I really broke. I was no longer able to function, I made an appointment with a shrink, and walked in, told him to just lock me up, I was whacked and I was pretty sure I always had been. I paced the floor and cried uncontrollably and begged for the white jacket with long sleeves that tied in the back.

This Dr. asked me what I was feeling and it was Pandora's box that was opened, I couldn't stop. I wish I could apologize for my behavior, I just lost it. He decided that rather than institutionalize me he would medicate.....and medicate is what he did. I was prescribed 5 different meds. I'm still unsure what they were supposed to do. I disappeared, I no longer functioned like I know "normal" people are supposed to, I just existed. It was peaceful for awhile, I slept, I slept, and I slept. I wasn't afraid of anything, I wasn't sure that there was anything out there, and quite frankly I didn't care.

I lived this way for at least two years, I don't know how. I took myself off of the medication and had seizures, so I slowly worked my way off again.

Two years later, back in a completely different office I was prescribed, once again, 5 different meds. I was a zombie, and I hated it. People that I dealt with everyday mistook my 'NON' reaction to be that I was to incapacitated to function. They were right. I was a zombie once more. I didn't feel terror, I didn't feel anything.

I now live with the disability known as bi-polar disorder secretly. I am not on medication, other than an anti anxiety pill and I fight the fears, the sleeplessness, and the insomnia as it comes. I appear now to the rest of society as a "normal" person, I don't want the drugs, or at least I don't want the premium cocktail, I have now developed the fear of being a zombie.

Mental illness is hard to diagnose, and harder to control. I pretend everyday that everything is alright. Unless I tell someone, they don't even suspect. I wish there were awards for acting, I might be nominated.

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