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Forgiving someone who has hurt you to the extent that it affects your daily life can be a very difficult thing to do. It takes a lot of maturity to understand what forgiveness even means, and even with that understanding it's certainly not an instant fix.

My first attempt at healing came to an instant stop because the therapist wanted me to immediately confront my father. This was something that I had decided at the onset that I did not want to do because this was to be about me, not my father. I hoped that forgiving him would mean that I could move on with my life without the hurt and anger that has dogged me all my life, and I wanted to do this in a way that changed me, not him. I don't believe I can change another human being and nor do I want to - I can only change myself. I wanted to try and live the rest of my life feeling happiness, peace and contentment and not dwelling constantly on life's past hurts. I most certainly did not want my progress to be impeded by another person who may not wish for the same outcome. This can be a major problem when confronting the person who has hurt you. Should they deny their bad behaviour you are left right back where you began, doubting yourself, and your abuser has again reclaimed control over your life. This is why I chose to handle my problems by trying to heal myself, not my father.

I was extremely fortunate that the next therapist I saw understood instantly what I was searching for, and for the next twelve months my life entered a quite surreal stage of development. This was a truly enlightening and revealing experience for me. Besides feeling more comfortable myself, initially just through having someone to confide in who was non-judgmental, the healing came through understanding.

I have now forgiven my father and this only came through understanding his life and why he behaves the way he does. I believe I was able to achieve forgiveness because I so desperately wanted it and I also needed to understand why people behave the way they do. This has in no way changed his behavior and to this very day he still hurts and insults me. The very big difference now is that I have a very real sympathy for my father and the life he has lived. I understand his past and why he reacted and still reacts the way he does. Thankfully he can no longer hurt me to the extent that he has in the past, and when I do feel his anger or humiliation I very quickly remind myself why he behaves the way he does. I realize now that I am the bigger' and stronger' person in this relationship, and my forgiving him has allowed me to have a relationship with him that was impossible prior to my receiving therapy.

To all my fellow life travelers, if you are carrying deep-seated hurt and pain, I urge you to seek professional help or at least someone outside your circle to talk to. It's like someone lifts a huge burden from your shoulders and you can finally see and experience happiness, peace, and most importantly, contentment, in your life. It's a wonderful, wonderful feeling.

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