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The emotional stages of divorce can often be compared and contrasted to the stages of grief from a death of someone close. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross devised a list of emotions almost always associated with death and dying and time and again these same emotions peer into our lives when radical changes shear the hopes we had. By identifying these feelings, the newly divorced person can better move through the stages of grief and emerge an emotional stable person.

It is important to understand that these five stages do not follow a set direction or order. They follow no schedule or time frame. Acknowledging these feelings and working through the emotions as they occur is the healthy way to move through the steps.

The first stage, denial, is very common early on in the marriage and can continue throughout the divorce and even after. Sometimes a couple will ignore the warning signs of pending problems believing it can't be happening to them. Even after the finalization of a divorce, an ex-spouse may still cling to an ex-partner hoping to reconcile.

Anger, like denial, can easily cloud perception and may be one of the most difficult because it requires forgiveness. Do you have to forgive your ex-spouse of all their wrong doings to leave anger behind? No, but you must be willing to forgive the mistakes made in general and allow yourself forgiveness in ending the marriage. Many divorced couples admit that anger will resurface during holidays and happy occasions, especially for the first few years. These events become a bitter reminder of the aborted partnership that was suppose to last a lifetime.

Bargaining and interesting stage when the couple is not truly ready to let go. A person may make deals with themselves or the partner to keep the marriage intact. Promises to stop doing X,Y, and Z to get one more chance leave both players exhausted and confused. Unfortunately most couples who reach this point have given each other several chances.

Depression is one of the most common stages for someone to seek therapy. Often family and friends will intervene when the person's emotional state is effecting other aspects of life. Sometimes feelings of fear, intense sadness and hopelessness can become so severe, thoughts of suicide begin to surface.

Acceptance is a liberating stage and is being able to look at the mistakes and embrace them as learning opportunities. It is amazing when both sides find acceptance and are willing to remain friends. It is the ability to find the love that they initially held for the other person and morph it into a new and healthy relationship. Even relationships ended on poor terms can offer some form of acceptance. Making a positive out of a difficult situation allows both members to let go of the past and focus on the future.

The emotional stages associated with divorce are amazingly similar to the stages of grief. In a divorce you are mourning the expectations and hopes you had the day you walked down the aisle. Working through these stages and acknowledging the emotions is the best way to move forward.

Learn more about this author, Vivian Nelson Melle.
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