by Bridget Webber

Created on: January 10, 2008   Last Updated: August 07, 2008

Depending on your reason for divorce and your relationship with your ex spouse, resolving conflicts with them may range from being difficult to traumatic. When there is already much baggage left from your marriage which is still causing pain and anger, resolving any further difficulties may at first seem impossible.

However help can be gained by involving a third party as a mediator. This person needs to be a professional rather than a friend or family member who will already be biased and who will be best left out of becoming involved in relationship difficulties.

A couples counselor can help to bridge a gap in communication and to provide a realistic viewpoint which is not aimed at taking sides with any particular individual.

If you are lucky enough to have had an amicable divorce, instead of a complicated and stressful one, then resolving conflicts need not involve anyone other than the two of you.

Arranging to meet somewhere other than your home to discuss your problems can provide you with a place which is free from personal distractions.

Agreeing before you meet that you intend to find a mutually satisfying agreement rather than going all out to 'win' can smooth over any defensive feelings leaving you both open to giving and receiving information.

Remember that your ex will be feeling as nervous about the meeting as you do and will want to find an answer to the problems which you are experiencing.

It can help to also remember that you are already divorced and so do not need to bring up problems from the past which are unrelated to your current difficulties. Try to leave aside any gripes and difficulties from your marriage and to concentrate on the present.

If it is your ex who insists upon dragging up your former relationship problems try not to join in and make the situation worse.

Remind your ex spouse that what they are speaking of is no-longer relevant and that you wish to deal with the matter at hand.

When the conflict which has arisen involves children from your ex relationship then do not have the children present while you try to resolve the issue.

Children can feel very hurt and anxious when they over-hear their parents arguing and may even misunderstand what they are listening to and believe that somehow they are to blame for the conflict.

For this reason it is best to arrange for a baby-sitter or to take your children to friends or family while you deal with such problems.

Just as the children should not be present, neither should any new partners, during your discussions. The reasoning behind this is that a new partner may be feeling defensive on your behalf and may actually accidentally escalate the problem further.

Jealousy may arise at the same time and make your task even more difficult unnecessarily when a new partner is involved.

Generally speaking the best ways to resolve conflicts are via a meeting as just described or with the help of a mediator.

If neither of these ways are possible then it may be that your conflicts are ones which need to be dealt with via the legal system which can resolve these matters without the risk of confrontations occurring between you and your ex.

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