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Shakespeare's Brother Plays a Prank -

Scene:

In a dimly fire lit Medieval kitchen it is the morrow after a cruel jest has been executed on the youngest lad in the house of Shakespeare and William is recounting his tale to his mother

Dearest mother of mine, whose womb whence I sprang gratefully forth 8 years past, I must to thee retell an offense so odious in nature that I dare say thou mayest to spew thine breakfast victuals in a foul fashion upon the stone of the floor. To the chase I must and be thou advised that in informing thee of the particulars of the deed done this night past, I may seem to impugn the very reputation of thine firstborn son and mine oldest sibling. To the tale I now traverse.

As I reposed myself this evening last, upon my bed in mine sleep chamber, Geoffrey aforesaid son of thine and sibling of mine, did perchance to make entrance and bade me capriciously to perform, what to me seemed such an act of innocence and innocuity that without query nor hesitance I acquiesced. The logistics of the baden "favor" in this divulgence shall no doubt make you inquisitive as to why I questioned not the motive nor intention of mine brotherly relation, for with the benefit and acuity of hindsight, I see now that peculiar indeed was his solicitation. Now to the prank, for the prank is the thing.

Without further ado or eloquence I expose that offense which hath been committed at mine own distress. Now as Geoffrey entered therein, iniquitous intent and mischievous guile in disarming smile shrouded, the mentioned bed chamber he pressed me categorically, "Pullest mine index phalange (digit) and I shall in turn recompense thee a surprise of splendor and delight". Unwittingly I at once applied the request pulling pressure to the offered finger when immediately sprung hence from his loins a sound, deep and rumbling and guttural in nature and so profane in stench that I fell upon mine face and cried to the Almighty; as I knew that such an atavism came forth only from the dark lord or a minion close thereto. To aggravate the nature of the foul crime now feated against me, he brokest into laughter, sardonic and ceaseless to where I did perchance to see an odd, darkening and widespread discoloration appear about his groin and surmised that truly he hath pissed his breeches. In mid cackle he further admonished takest thou a deep whiff of mine winds young William. Canst thou not discern that I have quaffed goodly amounts of mead and stale flesh?!

I adjure thee, oh matron of this house, to rebuke him in a manner befitting the heinousness of this felony and restoreth thou dignity to your youngest of offspring whom thou hast suppled lo these many years

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