by Linda Ann Nickerson

Created on: January 09, 2008

SECRETS ARE SCARY

Family counselors, psychologists and recovery experts of all stripes love to echo a familiar quote: "We are only as sick as our secrets."

Secrets are scary, particularly for children.

Adults may recall certain secrets that loomed in their minds, when they were young. Larger than life, these mysterious unknown keys to reality may have turned to terror. When children realize that key pieces of information are purposely withheld from them, they naturally may wonder what other facts are also hidden?

NEVER NOT KNOWING

As an adoptive parent, I can clearly state that my children have never not known that we adopted them. We have made this an absolutely natural part of our family litany. Although months may elapse without the topic even arising, my kids know that they are welcome to ask or discuss this at any time.

When my children leaf through their baby books, they are able to find the new baby announcements, which mention our excitement and joy over their adoption. They can also see copies of their adoption certificates. When we discuss their births and arrivals, I mention how grateful I am that God brought them into our family in such a wonderful and miraculous way.

Simply put, this has never been a secret. As a result, the issue contains no mystery. The children do not have to worry what other secrets their parents may be keeping from them.

MATTER OF FACT

If adoption is normal, or even a wonderful blessing, then it need not be hidden. Being adopted is a blessing, not a secret to sweep under the closet or a skeleton to hide in the closet. If adoptive parents are open and honest with children about their origins, then any possible fear of the topic will be forever diffused.

CELEBRATE THE CHILDREN!

Many adoptive families actually hold two celebrations annually for each child. These mark the child's biological birth date and the date they joined the family.

Some folks celebrate the date each adoption was finalized legally. One family we know calls this their "Gotcha" date. They have a party to mark the happy occasion, when the child and the family were joined in kinship forever.

MATURITY MATTERS.

Of course, life is filled with information that is appropriate only for adults. Immaturity dictates that children need to be protected from many difficult or inappropriate details of adult life.

A child need not know and understand the specifics of his or her conception, the relational issues of his or her birth parents, or the reasons for their adoption plans. As the child matures into an adult, these concerns may surely be addressed then, if they are still of interest.

CONFIDENTIALITY COUNTS

For example, the specific facts of a child's adoptive journey may be too much for that child to handle at a young age. Perhaps a birth mother or birth father has requested confidentiality. The biological family's desires should be honored.

Again, once the child has grown into adulthood, these issues may be revisited through appropriate channels. At that time, birth families may no longer object to being revealed, found or even contacted. Even so, they may!

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