An old man walks into a pub and orders three pints of Guinness. He carries them over to a small table in the corner with a smile on his face. He lifts each pint in a toast, then takes one sip at a time from each pint until all three are empty.

"Thirsty tonight, are we?" asks the bartender, noticing the man's odd behavior.

"No," explains the old man. "In my youth I had two best mates that I used to go out drinking with. When we grew older and moved away from the village, we vowed that as long as we lived we'd always order a pint for each other, to toast absent friends, every time we stopped into a pub."

This tradition continues every weekend for several months.

But one day the old man only orders two pints. He sits solemnly in the corner, drinking from both pints in turn. Noticing the man is missing one of his usual pints, the bartender can only assume the worst: that one of his friends has died.

"I'm so sorry about your loss," consoles the bartender.

"Oh no," replies the old man. "It's nothing like that. I've just given up drinking."

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A policeman directing traffic pulls over a man driving a car full of penguins.

"Where on earth did you get those penguins?" demands the policeman.

"Wandering along the side of the road," answers the driver.

The policeman looks suspiciously at the driver and says, "Take those penguins to the zoo immediately!"

The driver happily agrees and drives off. The next day, the same policeman is directing traffic in the same place and spots the same car. He motions the driver to pull over and peers inside. The same penguins are sitting in the car, this time wearing sunglasses and carrying buckets and spades.

"I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo," says the policeman.

"I did," replies the driver, "and we had so much fun, today we're going to the beach!"

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A woman carrying a baby climbs onto a bus.

"Wow!" exclaims the driver. "That is one ugly baby!"

Horrified, the woman walks down the aisle and finds her seat. As tears well up in her eyes she turns to the man sitting next to her and confides, "That driver just insulted me."

"Oh, you poor thing," replies the man. "You shouldn't have to put up with that."

"You're right!" says the woman. "I'm going up there to give him a piece of my mind!"

"Good for you," encourages the man. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Learn more about this author, Teresa Mandragora.
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