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Important Point the First: Sick days are not a privilege. You are entitled to them, you earned them, and you can use them as you choose.

Important Point the Second: Every single person in the world has called in sick when they actually were not, including your boss.

Important Point the Third: Every single person in the world has gone to work sick and survived it, so use your sick days for more important things like spending the day with your family or catching up on the soap operas you haven't watched since your ninth grade summer vacation.

Important Point the Last: No one is going to interrogate you. Your boss is just not interested enough to ask a bazillion questions about your supposed illness.

How to call in sick? That is an art form that takes practice to truly master. You must craft your excuses carefully. Pointers?

1. Don't do it all the time! Even if you think your boss is an idiot, human beings are inherently intelligent creatures and not easily fooled.

2. No one questions diarrhea. This excuse works threefold: One, it instantly grosses people out. Two, everyone knows how much diarrhea sucks. Three, it's so candid that your boss is bound to believe it. Don't feel comfortable saying "diarrhea"? Try, "I haven't been off the toilet in hours," or, "Everything I eat just shoots right out of me."

3. Don't try to sound sick on the phone. Think of this - what do we do when we are really sick? We try to mitigate our sickness! In a subconscious attempt to heal our bodies, we naturally try to put on an "I'm OK!" act. Don't try to put on any kind of sick voice, and don't get all theatrical and try to pretend like you are actually sick trying to not sound like you are sick just so you sound sick. Know what I mean? Just be normal.

4. Prepare the day before. Talk about how sick you are and how you think you're "coming down with something." Talk about how your spouse, children, and cats are sick. Talk about all the bugs going around and how you could vomit if anyone so much as looks at you funny. Not only will this keep everyone away from you, it shows that you are willing to come to work when you are sort of sick. So, when you call in the next day, the assumption will be that you are REALLY sick.

5. I have heard rumors about not lying about close family members dying - something about karma. I don't know anything about that, but I say, as long as you are considerate, go for it. If you want to pretend someone died, call the person and ask first. Call your grandma and ask, "Do you mind if I tell my boss you're dead so I don't have to go to work?" She will say yes, either because a. she loves you, or b. she didn't hear you. Regardless, you're just looking for permission.

6. Invent a disease. It HAS to be Latin. Try, "I have been diagnosed with a severe case of Supermosa Diadramus." If your boss actually asks what that is, tell her that it is worse than the flu but not as bad as mono.

7. Think of an excuse that will get your boss sued if he asks any questions. Try one of the following:
a. I am getting a sex-change operation.
b. I am protesting ________.
c. I have my period. If he asks why you have come to work before when you've had your period, ask him how he knows that.

In conclusion, it has been scientifically proven that you are not lying if you believe your own lies. So, be sure to take plenty of time beforehand to convince yourself that your excuse is actually the truth. You won't only be more believable to your boss, but you will also not unintentionally buy your own one-way ticket into Hell.

Have a nice day off!

Learn more about this author, Jennie Kelley.
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