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Holidays don't feel the same in New Jersey. Maybe they were different when we lived here before, but lately they seem incomplete. One or two people do the cooking while everyone else does their own thing. With three different families under one roof, we really don't need to have guests over to make it an extended family celebration because everyone is already there. Also, there are so many different traditions between the eight of us that we seem to ignore them all together because it's either too crowded or it will just end up in another argument.

Food is buffet style, as usual, but we all don't gather in one room to eat afterward. My grandfather goes to his room, my parents to theirs and my aunt and uncle to theirs. The only time I eat downstairs is on the holidays for the girls' sake. If I'm off the next day, we stay up late playing cards and eating pie (after we clean up the food, of course.) It's almost like any other day.

In Pennsylvania, after everyone moved back, it was better. Even though we lived relatively close to one another, everyone would congregate at our house for two nights. My aunt would even come from wherever she was stationed, if she could. My dad's side of the family can be loud at times, but we always tried to keep to tradition, no matter who was where or with whom. My grandmother would always eat all the deviled eggs that my mom failed to hide and everyone would skin the turkey while it was still cooking. Our turkey always came out of the oven bald. The table would be nearly picture perfect with all of the food and stacks of good china. Dad would always have to get that picture before we could actually eat.

Then we would all fix our plates and retire to the living room where we would just hang out or watch TV. In the morning, nobody could open a single present until everyone was present and accounted for. Then my sister and I would meet up with the neighbor girls and we would exchange gifts and stories before they went off to their grandmother's for Christmas dinner. We always had snow and sometimes the weather would be warm enough for sledding. One year we even had nine pure-bred German Shepherd puppies sliding along the ice with us.

I enjoyed holidays then. Even when we moved to West Virginia, we were still close enough to spend the holidays in Pennsylvania, except my Uncle's house was the gather place. When my mother's mother passed, everything changed. We switched the holidays to New Jersey and recently we even moved back. Now we're so far away from Pennsylvania we only get to see the relatives at funerals or weddings. When everybody lives in the same house and tries to avoid each other day to day, Christmas becomes more of a burden than a blessing. This Christmas just felt like a typical weekend, except with presents that my mother wasn't even able to see us open because my dad lied to us and said she wanted us to go ahead. Presents lasted maybe five minutes for us who were having money problems and we spent the last ten minutes watching my aunt brag about each item they got my cousin. I went back to bed and slept until my mom came home. Dinner was just another meal and I helped clean up until I had to go to bed for work.

I don't really like the holidays anymore. The house is stressful, my job is stressful and the only way I can get any relief is by hiding in my room. Then the Internet goes down, teasing me relentlessly. Now you see me, now you don't. Connected, disconnected, connected, disconnected. I miss my family and friends. I miss being happy. I miss Christmas.

Learn more about this author, Tara A. McMillan.
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