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Why can't women apply mascara without opening their mouth... Well I'll tell you.

For most of my life I felt that answering this question was like trying to program my VCR, it just isn't possible, but recently i have discovered the answer. After rigorous experiments, months of computer modeled data, and a few days of hitting my head against the wall, I came to a startling conclusion to one of the great dilemmas of our time.

Women cant apply mascara without opening their mouth not because of DNA or left vs. right brain thinking concepts. The cause of this mystery lies within the euchromatin region of the x chromosome, which is slightly larger and more active than in the y chromosome. When two x chromosomes are combined, the euchromatin regions develop behaviors that are exclusively unique to individuals with xx chromosomes.

The reasoning behind this behavior is not some fluke, but the opening of the mouth is to catch any mascara and eyelashes that may fall elsewhere. The biological reasoning is to conserve the body's protein sources while maintaining a flawless appearance. I have also found this xx chromosome phenomena to also account for women always winning arguments. When they know they are wrong, the double euchromatin pairs cause the mouth to open, and what comes out vocally is purely to save face after having an involuntary jaw spasm.

The mystery has been solved, i will be burning my lab and all documentation soon in the hope that i won't be lynched for publishing this.

Learn more about this author, christopher beard.
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