by Jim Bessey

Created on: January 06, 2008

There's a popular myth which claims that the average male thinks about sex every 12.5 seconds, or some similar absurd number. Sounds real on the surface of it; but, like many urban legends and email forwards, it's nonsense.

Men suffer at the hand of over-simplification in all areas of rational thought. Do you really believe that Homer Simpson represents any male reality? We men are not cartoon characters, nor are we fixated on some rhythmic repetitive mantra which we are genetically unable to banish from our primitive brains. Those stereotypes are, in the words of MASH's Colonel Potter, "Bullfeathers!"

Comedians love to use male-mind humor in their stand-up routines. John Heffron, past winner of Last Comic Standing, does at least an hour around the inability of he and his wife to communicate sensibly. It's hilarious, but it's hyperbole. Recently, American Idol runner-up Kelly Pickler released her hit song, "Things that Never Cross a Man's Mind." She's right, few men wonder how they look from behind. Most of the rest of Kelly's line are just cute.

The male mind is, in reality, a wondrous labyrinth of complex analysis and contemplation. We do think about sex, though, fairly often. It's our job.

Let's have a look at some often-repeated theories about male thought patterns, and test them in a real world.

"Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus."

That one sold a mountain of books, but what does it mean? Men are dry, hot, and desolate - while women are warm bodies obscured in a dense fog? We are obvious while women are devious? That may be true for writers creating dialog for half-hour comedies. Unfortunately, men must interact with women in segments lasting far longer than thirty minutes, and we rarely have the benefit of a laugh track. I want to talk to my wife about things that are important to her, and I would like to listen to her concerns. Let's keep it short, and wait for a commercial, though, please. In reality, men often fail to say what's really on their minds. Women will plead their cases quite clearly, ending with the statement, "Case closed."

"Men love their trucks more than their mates."

Trucks, or cars, or motorcycles - take your pick. It's not a case of loving more, however. Our love of things with motors cannot be compared to our love for our partners. Mechanical love is a simple devotion to our faithful gas-powered servants. We're proud of our vehicles, because we fix them and polish them. A finely-tuned ride says to the world, "This is a capable man."

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