I don't hate my ex, but I hate that I still call him when I feel bored. For one, he doesn't entertain or amuse or even try to charm me-just like he didn't when we were together.

After sparing nine years of my life with this rather atrocious and trifling man, finally I realize that all he has done for me was take me down, abash the morals and standards my parents tried to instill in me, and diminish my self-esteem.

Friends and family tried to warn me about him much earlier on, but I was young and wanted to actually defend this "hole" of a person and come up with multiple reasons why he was perfect for me, and how he was so in love with me, and such a terrific guy. Little did I know I was helping him brainwash me more than he could ever know.

Curious to know what makes this man so atrocious and trifling? Well in the nine years I've known him, he's only worked about six months, yes months! Of this time, over half of this income has been used primarily on himself, while over half of my check was spent on/for him.

He's horrible in bed, totally NOT affectionate, impatient, lives with his mom at 31, an alcoholic, prone to violence when drunk even towards me, verbally abusive, makes excuses, nasty eating habits, full of excuses, most avid pity party attendee, not all that fine, smelly breath, smokes too much and can't even afford his own smokes, has sent me to the clinic at least twice on account of being promiscuous, undependable for anything, sleeps all day, not ambitious, a true party pooper, insensitive towards my feelings, tells me all the time that when he makes it, he's going to concentrate on himself because he's tired of catering to me (even though he actually is/has been the one being catered to)

At this point, I'm sure you're quite perturbed with me that I find the time to still communicate with this jerk.

I am all the more upset and fed up, because each time I talk to him or go see him (drop off cigs or something like that) I get more depressed and lonesome than before I even did. He is a complete downer and it is more than clear that he has nothing for me but headache and heartache!

Why do I still dial him up or waste gas going to visit? I am ready to move on. I'm just afraid there's nothing for me to move on to. I've been so cooped up with this loser I am frightened that I let all the decent guys out there pass me by and get taken.

I know this is absurd; it's just so scary trying to make it on my own. I don't have any other friends besides my parents.

Even though in my heart I know I am completely over him, but maybe not over the loss I've incurred, he may not quite get the message that I would replace him in a heartbeat, and in front of him if I had to.

I should stop being scared. I know this for myself [that I am so ready to split]. Now he just needs to know it, and I need to stop placing that ridiculous and loathsome call!

Learn more about this author, Carol Smith.
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