by Mara Yoresh

Created on: January 03, 2008   Last Updated: July 01, 2010

PLEASE NOTE: This article was written with the author's tongue firmly planted in-cheek. Though the article may not add value to the topic in a literal sense, sometimes making a reader smile or laugh can have the highest value of all.

This article is written on the assumption that you are not really sick when you call in sick. If you are actually sick, you should follow your workplace's guidelines for sick leave and disability leave.

Calling in sick when you are not really sick is a fine art. It requires knowledge of your workplace's sick leave policies, knowledge of your boss or supervisor's personality and expectations and most important, a risk assessment of taking sick leave when you are not really sick. The number one "don't" for calling in sick is- no matter how much you'd love to take a day off, DON'T call in sick if it will put your employment at serious risk. Even if the weather is a balmy 80 degrees and you can practically hear the beach calling you, it simply isn't worth losing your job.

That said, the basic dos and don'ts for calling in sick are as follows:

DON'T choose an obscure or unusual illness. No one will believe you have Asiatic Flu or Mad Cow Disease. Stick to the basics - headache, stomachache, slight fever, etc.

DO choose an infirmity that would plausibly only affect you for one or two days. Headache or upset stomach is usually a very good choice. If you would like to go with an injury instead of an illness, make sure it is something that would not hinder your mobility or be openly visible in the coming weeks. I.E. you should say, "I slipped and hit my head in the shower," not, "I slipped and broke my leg in the shower."

DON'T try to make your voice sound nasal or congested unless you are a VERY good actor. Keep your voice neutral and low in tone.

DO call your workplace when you first wake up. You will sound tired, which adds to the credibility of your "illness".

DO choose voice mail over live communication if that option is available to you. It is much easier to just leave a message saying you will be out, plus you eliminate the risk of having to answer questions about your condition.

Speaking of questions, DON'T offer details about your "illness" but DO have them ready in case you are asked. Once you have decided what is "wrong" with you, just remember a time when you actually suffered from that malady and you will have all the embellishments you need.

DO sound upset that you will be missing work. A hint of frustration in your voice

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