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HUMOR, SORT OF: As a very, very old retiree, I don't have any girlfriends. And even if some of those sexy 75-year-old chicks at the local nursing home look good to my myopic eyes, my wife won't allow me to get close to any of them. Therefore, I couldn't be considered any kind of authority on what to get or not get as gifts for any hypothetical extramarital ladyfriends. If you really want to know all about that, go ask Bill Clinton or any seven-foot philanderer in the NBA.

If I may be serious for a moment and reach back, way back, into my fading memory, I can make some recommendations. Initially, there has to be some sort of temperature degree measurement in this gift consideration. Is the relationship a coolish one that has so far included just a couple of dates, ending with a chaste good-night kiss? Or has it progressed to the passion point where your lives and limbs are totally entwined? Since the article title asks for worst gifts, I'll try to keep it negative.

In your mind, it is the dawning of love, and as Bogie said, "This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship." Cool it! Don't assume she has already fallen completely for your line. So, don't presume to give something too personal, such as perfume, sexy underwear, love-themed candy or pastry with heavy love inscriptions. Save all that heavy stuff for later, if there is to be a later.

Another gift that could be most unwelcome is to tell your newly-acquainted girlfriend that you've booked an air and hotel package for two to Las Vegas or Paris. A Vegas trip could imply that you think she is a pushover. How dare you! (Slap) Of course, Paris (no slap) can be more persuasive, but don't take the chance of a refusal so early in your relationship. If it is just the third or fourth date, make your trip plans a modest drive to the nearest nature spot, scenic beach or McDonald's take-out window.

Other inappropriate gifts at any stage of your relationship include articles of clothing and accessories. What guy has ever had the fashion sense to buy a purse or handbag for a gal? Even if the lady has a great figure, don't even attempt to buy a bathing suit, other kinds of beach wear or most clothing of any kind. The same applies to jewelry, and even if the time arrives when you want to make the move to marriage, don't buy an engagement ring all by yourself. If it turns out wrong, you may spend the next 20 years all by yourself.

Cosmetic items, such as lotions, make-up, shavers, hair care and, dare I say it, prophylactics, do not make appropriate gifts for the girlfriend. Those are of a highly-personal matter, and she prefers to choose them in private. Besides, if she begins to feel you know too much about such products, either you've had too much experience with other women. Or, could it be ... with other guys?

The secret in any relationship is to give your girlfriend appropriate gifts in an ever increasing measurements of value as the relationship progresses. Start off with the little bunch of flowers, and step by step, you could eventually reach that moment of staring at the Eiffel Tower while sipping champagne together at midnight from your Hotel George Cinq suite window.

Learn more about this author, Ted Sherman.
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