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Sometimes I wish I had a boyfriend, but then there are times when I have had a boyfriend and I wish I could just be single again. I love the little flutters I get in my tummy when I'm absolutely heard over hills in love and he returns my affections, but I also know how much having a boyfriend stops me from being able to go and do whatever I want whenever I want. It's hard to meet a boy who is totally cool with me talking to other guys without getting jealous.

When I had a boyfriend I could depend on usually having plans all the time for special events. I could also plan on being restricted to only doing certain things because sometimes my girlfriends might be hanging out together and it was a "just for girls" kind of activity. Then I would find that if I wanted to go do something without my boyfriend it was almost as if I had to make sure it was okay with him before I committed to doing something.

I risked my heart and fell hard for one boyfriend. It was obvious we weren't right for each other in spite of how much I wanted to believe we were perfect together. I knew it wasn't working, but he made the move to break off the relationship. We had been together for over a year and when we broke up, it broke my heart. After investing so much time in our relationship I felt lost without him. I was willing to overlook our differences just to make the hurt in my heart disappear. I found myself alone in the evenings listening to the songs we once listened to together. I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere. I just wanted him to love me again. As the days turned into weeks I found myself beginning to enjoy being single again. The hurt in my heart began to hurt less and less, though there were times I wished he was still in my life.

Without my boyfriend I began to enjoy life again. I was free to come and go as I please without the feeling of being tied to another. I was able to pursue getting to know other guys without feeling guilty, and I was able to commit to doing stuff without having to check the "boyfriend" calendar. I realize now that being in a relationship was sort of like practice for marriage, and with being young and independent, I am happy to be free and single. I know there is an entire lifetime ahead of me, and I'm glad I can take the time in my teenage years to focus on me and what I want without having to constantly take into consideration what my boyfriend thinks.

Though I do miss the cuddling part of it all and knowing someone loves and cares for me and wants to be with me all the time. I suppose when I'm older though I hope I'll meet a guy who gives me those fluttery feelings in my stomach again and makes my heart beat ever so quickly, and then maybe, when the time is right and we're both a little older, he'll ask me to marry him. That would be so cool.

Learn more about this author, Jackie Curtis.
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