Whether I like it or not, being a parent means that someone looks to me for examples every single day. I don't always like it.

I sometimes wonder if teachers and others who spend extended time with young people realize just how much influence they have. Too many, I think, become jaded by "failures" or the "attitudes" of the kids they teach or care for, and they cease to comprehend their impact. I can remember negative experiences at the hands of teachers and care givers just as clearly as I can the positive ones, and too many negatives bind themselves into us when we're young. My oldest daughter, when she was trying to get back into high school last year, will never forget the coach who walked away from her muttering, "you'll fail just like you always do." That one offhand comment will stay with her forever. He was probably just frustrated by the day or many disruptive students or whatever, and seeing my bipolar daughter in his class, the one who skipped class and could be disruptive at times, made him frustrated. But what he did with one half-second statement was set her up to fail. Did he mean to? Of course not, but that's why parents or any adult who spends time with young people have to be careful of what we say or imply.

Even when I'm not caring for my own kids I'm often "the influence" over others. I assistant coach speech and debate, I work with kids at my church, and no matter what anyone thinks of "today's kids," they WANT and look for role models among the adults in their lives. The problem is with how few they find. I see the teenagers I work with long for approval, even when the more challenging ones engage in behavior that's less than good-much less. They're often crushed when met with disapproval and/or censure, and quite often "problem kids" are the ones who long ago stopped trying to "measure up" because expectations placed on them were impossible to meet, so why try? But still they long for something positive from someone and never stop hoping, although more often than not their hopes are dashed.

By "example" I don't even mean actions as much as words. Can we adults always be perfect and never screw up by saying something negative to a kid? Of course not-perfect adults would mean perfect kids, and we know THAT'S never going to happen! But I think it IS important to remember that what we say, do, and ARE matters to the kids we come into contact with. Even "the baddest of the bad" need someone to look up to, someone who cares enough to pat them on the back and say, "I believe in you." Someone who will listen without judgment...pretty much the same kind of thing we want for ourselves! Is it our job to discipline? Oh definitely, but the word "discipline" doesn't always mean something negative. It can also be something positive; rewards AREN'T necessarily bribes and aren't bad...even adults perform better for rewards!

So I will continue to work on myself as an "example"...to remember to praise more than criticize and reward more than punish. I know it works because I've witnessed the results in my own kids and in the ones I teach, but habits can be hard to break. My first reaction when a young person steps out of line is to raise my voice, but I also know from experience that it seldom does any good. I'm a work-in-progress as an "example"-and yes, when I screw up, which I have been known to do, I admit it and ask for understanding. I usually get it.

Learn more about this author, Susan David.
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