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Easy Resolutions

The latest statistics are in: 30% of all resolutions are broken within the first week. The rest of the lot, fold like cheap cameras in less than a month. Not very encouraging. Problem is, we don't really intend keeping them. We only say we are, to impress impressionable people. Like the preposterous notion that we'll actually eliminate all fats from our diet. HAH! Who are we kidding? Give up cheese cake and pizza? Forever? That's like giving up blinking. It can't be done.

They say that only simple resolutions work. Therefore, I've come up with a list of easy resolutions. They are as follows:

FOR WOMEN:

. Give up exercising. FOREVER! All it does it make you sweat like a hog and work up an enormous appetite.

. Burn toast. Rye, wheat, oat bran, raisin.

. Lose your keys, remote and cell phone, on fairly regular basis. (unisex)

. Stick your fingernail through your pantie hose. The expensive kind. Curse your brains out afterwards.

. Gain ten poundsall in your hips, tummy and thighs.

. Use four-letter words after your computer crashes. (unisex)

. Eat as much milk chocolate as you like.

. Let hair grow on legs and underarms.

. Eat 100% pure fat ice cream. All flavors.

. Over water or under water plants. Make them turn a pathetic shade of yellow.

. Max out credit cards. (unisex)

. Sprout a few more gray hairs. (This requires little or no effort)

. Develop two new wrinkles. (this generally goes with getting gray)

. Lie about your age. Subtract at least eight years.

FOR GUYS:

. Look at boobs. All sizes and shapes.

. Don't go to malls.

. Forget to take out the garbage.

. Don't fix anything around the house. Painting and maintaining inclusive.

. Leave toilet seat up.

. Fall asleep on couch, with large bag of potato chips. (unisex)

. Play video games (shoot Nazis and bomb small villages).

. Forget anniversaries, birthdays and Valentine's Day.

. Watch all sports.

. Drink beer and belch.

. Don't shave.

. Live on junk food.

. Sneak glances at Victoria Secret Models.

Good luck and Happy New Year!

Learn more about this author, Marie Tomas.
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