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Making the decision about divorce is one that should be made at the marriage altar during the exchange of vows. It should be a heart-felt decision that divorce won't be the legacy of the marriage or the aftermath given to the children of our marriage. However, many couples look at divorce as a way out, the escape clause, if you will, from the vows spoken. Frankly, I think we look at the decision about divorce totally from the wrong end of the spectrum. It's a decision that should be made before things become irreconcilable, not afterward.

Statistics are alarming. The U.S. Census Bureau reports the following: The average age for a first divorce for males is 30.5 and females 29. The average age for a second divorce for males is 39.3 and females 37. The duration of first marriages that end in divorce is approximately 7 years, and the duration for second marriages is approximately 7 years. (Must be the 7-year itch!) Only 52% of all marriages make it to their 15th wedding anniversary, only 33% make it through to their 25th, and a slim 5% make it to their 50th. People who have divorced at least twice, have a 73% chance that their third marriage will fail too.

What's wrong? Is it because divorce is so easy and commitment is so hard? As humans, we haven't learned the basic skills of intelligent loving relationships that can last. It's obvious, because statistics show we bring our mistakes from marriage to marriage, and couples find the pain of staying and working things out greater than the pain they may have to face in a divorce.

The decision to divorce should never be left as the last decision to be made in any marriage relationship. It's obvious as humans we're missing it somewhere in the relationship area. Our love is transient, convenient, and self enhancing. We have lost the skills to stay married, because we never learned them to begin with before we tied the knot. We married in the height of love, but didn't consider the consequences of lasting love. Perhaps if we spent more time in counseling before we married to learn the skills to live with our mates and face the challenges of married life together, the decision to divorce would never have to be made later.

Just as we decide to divorce, we decide to marry. They are conscious decisions we make in our lives. However, making the decision ahead of time not to divorce, may be the key to leaving that option closed when things get tough. Marriage is work every waking moment. It's a decision we need to make at the beginning of the relationship that we will do absolutely everything in our power to make this work, whether it takes swallowing our pride, getting counseling, reading books, going to seminars, or forgiving daily the offenses that could pile up into ugly mountains. We need to take that effort to keep our marriages alive and not let them stagnate into divorce court.

Hopefully, as human beings we will recognize what we have done to the state of marriage, and how we have changed the value of it in our society by making it a temporary institution, rather than a permanent one. We have failed to commit to making marriage successful; and in doing so, we have lessened in our own minds the detrimental effects it truly reaps in our lives and those of our children.

Let's not make the decision to divorce, but let's make the decision to succeed. Let's rethink the benefits of a good marriage and home, why we should make it last, and the benefits of lifelong love to one person we've vowed to spend our lives with until death.

Learn more about this author, Vicki Hopkins.
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