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In my family, violence seemed to be part of my everyday life. I grew up in a home where conflict, rage, and abuse were common occurrences. I never understood why this was happening to me; I heard other children talk, and it appeared that they had "regular families". I longed for love and attention and I kept my feelings bottled up because I didn't know where to put them. Much of my childhood was spent crying and I was so frightened that my mother would kill me. She told me once that she wished she would have rid herself of my siblings and me when she had a chance too. My heart would break every time she said something like that. I lived in this trap of violence for seventeen years until I finally fled.

I became involved in sexual relationships all the while hoping that I would find someone who would love and care for me. I did not even care if drugs were involved as long as we were having fun, and I could cling to the hope of a lasting relationship that was free from violence. Eventually, I found myself married to a man who was extremely controlling and had a violent temper. I was back in a terrorizing situation. It didn't take long for me to run from that situation. By this time, I was in the habit of running from situations that I could not control. My self-esteem took another devastating blow and I do not think that I could have felt any worse at this point. I did not know how to handle pressure of any kind and this continued until I was well into my forties.

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I grew up in a "normal" home. If my confidence in my own abilities had not been challenged at such a young age and to such a degree, what else could I have accomplished? I will not ever know what could have happened. All I can do is understand that when I was young, instead of being nurtured in times when normally a lesson could have been learned, I was beaten and trod upon with words of hatred. This created emotions and feelings that I was unable to understand. I went out into a big world unprepared for the realities that exist in everyday living.

I escaped into the world of gambling, drugs and alcohol; still trying to run from the terrors of the abuse that I experienced as a young child. It was only when I realized that I could be anything that I wanted to be that my life began to change. I realized that what happened to me as a child was not my fault. I realized that I am a loveable person and my life began to take on new meaning. I forgave my mother for the atrocities she inflicted upon me as a child.

No one escapes childhood abuse unharmed. Adults with a history of child abuse are more likely to have anxiety disorders, depression, obesity, eating disorders, insomnia, panic attics, substance abuse issues or a myriad of another aches and pains including thoughts of suicide. Many move on into marriage with an abusive partner.

If I could say one thing of this subject that would help someone it would be this: Know that what you experienced as a child was not your fault. You may be carrying the fears on your back that you felt as a young child. You bury certain feelings that may only be uncovered by looking back and realizing a specific fear you may have endured as a child. Take a close, deep look into your attitudes and behaviors and make sure you are not carrying around the baggage of your childhood abuse.

Learn more about this author, Cheryl Gregory.
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