"I miss you"...words that don't serve justice for a person consumed with longing...and I am, I am consumed with longing. That broad statement could never suffice to convey my ever present feeling of loss. Rather, I need to tell you what I miss, how I miss, why I miss and when I miss.

What? I miss saying your name out loud...I love your name, it warmed my soul. I miss talking daily...your every moment was my concern. I miss the ease with which we got along...we never strained to find common ground. I miss your soft hands...your love flowed out of them with every touch. I miss your voice, your laugh...I loved to make you laugh. I miss your strength...not just your physical strength which was ever so fun, but your emotional strength, your ability to find control in choice more readily than reaction. I miss your kindness, I miss your generosity. I miss your passion...your passion to experience, your passion to share. I miss your ardent kiss...I still feel it upon my lips.

How? The missing is comparable to a deep, deep ache, mostly in my heart, but extending to my insides. I wake each day wishing only to go back to sleep and most certainly I do not want to eat. If sleep could be my only fuel, I'd get far. As time progresses, the waves of nausea lessen, but I fear this sensation in the pit of my stomach will never fully disappear.

Why? I truly never thought a man could inspire me so as you do. I responded so willingly to the honor and love you gave me. I loved who I was with you...I love who I still am and will now always strive to be, but it's not the same. I grieve for the partnership I know we can never have. I yearned always simply to be loved unconditionally; the most precious gift I have ever received was that...from you. I got to see myself in a 'normal', 'functioning' relationship and I was blessed with the wonders of giving love in return. I am so afraid I will never feel that again but consider myself beyond fortunate to have had it just once...with you.

When? It is every moment; omni present...but of course strongest at times when I am heavily reminded of you. Of course everything reminds me of you, an experience, a song, a smell, a taste, a desire...all of it, I crave your input. Sharing everything with you all the time came so naturally, so eagerly; to repress that is like torture. I know time will ease the pain and provide some amount of relief from the moments of intense anguish, but I don't foresee a day when I will not experience some amount of sorrow.

The what, how, why and when of missing you my love is far more extensive than the very limited, little bit I have expounded on here. You know that. Thank you for hearing me, for letting me express these few things through my writing; my effort to heal. If all my love could flow out of my fingertips, there would be no end to the words I would write about you.

Learn more about this author, Lo-lee H.
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