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Hidden Secrets.

As children we are taught to mind our parents, obey their every command and never question what they do or say. I remember as a young girl growing up in Georgia that the good old southern tradition was rarely ever questioned. Exactly what was that tradition? Our parents were like gods, never to be questioned about anything at anytime, no matter how awful it was.

I remember thinking that it wasn't wrong for me to fear my mom more than I feared Satan, right? After all Satan had never hit me in anger or frustration. Satan never called me mean names just to prove a point and Satan certainly had never gone out of his way to embarrass me in front of all of my school and church peers.
Abuse back in those days when I was a child of the early fifties and sixties was known as towing the line, spare not the rod, spoil the child or something like that. Parents could hit, slap, spank or otherwise torment their children into fearful submission. It was not only tolerated , it was normal.
My mom had a free field day on abuse. With six children in tow , she worked , went to college and managed to be married to the same husband for almost forty seven years. Yet somehow my dad never notice or wanted to notice what was happening to all of his children almost on a daily basis. For most of my life I lived in total fear of the one person that I should have had complete faith in, my mom.
As I got older and since I was the second child born, but the oldest of three girls mom and I fought harder with each passing day. Her endless need to control us completely would never ceased to exists. So I fought back at her anger and my hatred of her grew more everyday. I vowed with all of my being that I would never be like her. I would never harm my children like she had harmed hers'.
Finally in 1975 I married and moved away thinking at last that I had won my freedom . Little did I realize that mom would forever be the powerful beast that I so often thought of her as. Even though I had grown up and married , she still reined over my soul. It would take years of battles and anger and horrible issues before I was able to finally set myself free of her control.
I had made a vow to myself never to become her and true to my word I never did. I have 2 children that I love, respect and have not harmed in anyway physically or mentally. I have done all that I can to lift them up and to allow them to be human, not perfect. My expectation of my children was not that they would never make mistakes, but rather to learn from the mistakes that they mad and go on to do better in their next choice.
My scares run deep even now that my mom has pasted away. There will be little healing , for there is no tomorrow for her and I. I can only try to look back and remember the good days that our family had together. Hoping that my brothers and sisters will find comfort in their good memories of mom. But still, there are those moments when I lest expect it that I hear her voice and like flood waters pouring over the mountains I can hear and feel her anger. Those are my hidden secrets, the ones that others have never known and they never will. Those are the moments that encouraged me to find the way to be the mother that I am today.
I am perfect? No, far from it, however I hope and pray that neither of my 2 children will ever write such an article as I have, for these hidden secrets leave scars that never heal.

Learn more about this author, C. J. Ayers.
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