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Did you know if you boil water long enough it disappears? Did you know boiled eggs aren't meant to boil for over forty-five minutes? I've learned forks and garbage disposals don't get along. Spoons knives and kitchen sponges should be left out of them as well. If you cook a casserole for two hours at three hundred and fifty degrees for any amount of time it will not cook unless you put the oven on bake. I've learned many valuable lessons in my kitchen.

The kitchen is the heart of a home, so they say . . . whatever. Whoever "they" are they haven't been to my house for breakfast lunch or dinner. My kitchen is cursed, I am fairly certain of that. Bad, bad things happen to me there. I don't understand why the kitchen and I are always at odds. I am a fairly intelligent gal, I should be able to enter the kitchen without trepidation and prepare a meal for my family but sadly, I cannot. I must fight the urge to flee the house every night at five o'clock.

Let me just say I have never actually hurt anyone else; there is no chance of that even happening because no one will come into the kitchen with me anymore. I suppose I'll share some of my shining kitchen moments with you . . . just promise you won't spread it around okay? I don't want everyone to know, it's a bit embarrassing.

Where to begin? Premade pizza. Sounds like a no brainer right? Just take it out of the plastic wrapper and pop it in the oven. One night I did just that, it smelled like pizza, it looked like pizza but the kids said it tasted funny. Hmmm, bad batch of dough? No - Just mom trying to cook again. You see the pizza was the first in a pre-wrapped package of two, what I overlooked was the round piece of cardboard that separated the two. I cooked it. No one ate it.

I recently purchased some of those decorative burner covers for my electric burners. I thought they added a nice touch to the kitchen. I don't have them anymore. I was making a can of soup, the back burner is smaller and since it was a small pan I figured it best to use the small burner. I put the soup on to boil but half a minute later a strange smell was filling the house. My soup was still cold but the front burner cover was well done. I'd turned on the wrong burner. The worst part of this story is I replaced the burner cover and did it again two weeks later.

I made a pasta dish which required baking in a covered dish. I followed the recipe, cooked it and took it out of the oven. It smelled good, it looked good, I had succeeded in making a successful and uneventful meal! I took my potholders (another valuable lesson learned) and removed the glass cover. The stovetop was filled so I decided to put the hot, hot cover in the sink. The sink had a few inches of dishwater left in it. When the hot glass met the cold water it shattered and pieces flew all over the kitchen. Sigh . . .

I have been burned and cut, I have grated my own fingers and I have dropped and spilled and miscalculated more times than I care to admit. Somehow though, my family is healthy and well fed. My kids must really love me; now that they are getting older they are taking over the cooking duties so I can relax. They are so sweet and thoughtful . . . or are they?

Learn more about this author, Crystal Cook.
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