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Like many other shy, lonely, hideous, men, I turned to the internet to find a date and possibly a person who could suffer me for the rest of their lives. Considering that I have the looks of a goat and the personality of an old boot, my hopes for super-model quality women were not high, but certainly, better than these.

10. Jessie. We met in a bar. Good looking, tall, spoke with an slight Irish accent, I was pleased. However, she had a prosthetic leg. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm ADA compliant, far be it from me to judge someone else based on their looks, but when she took her leg off and poured us both a shot of whiskey from it, I had to call it a night.

9. Carrie. I was running late to the restaurant, so when I arrived, I expected to see her sitting alone, possibly mad, sipping on a glass of wine or something, but when I entered the place, all I saw was three people sitting at a table, two of which turned around and scowled at me. Come to find out that Carrie had brought her parents, who promptly grilled me. "Is this how you intend to treat our daughter in the future?" or, "If you can't make it on time to dinner, then how will you make it on time for your child's birth?". I was out before the Won-Ton soup came to the table.

8. Anna. I had high hopes for this date due to the fact that we both shared an intense interest in comic books, but I suppose I misjudged how "intense" an interest she had. Upon arriving in the park, I saw her sitting on a bench, dressed as Wonder Woman, trying to lasso a German Shepherd and exclaiming that she was "Queen of the Amazons". I left before saying anything to her.

7. Emaline the Tree Witch. I know, I know. I met her at her house, a small cottage near a national forest. Upon greeting me, she led me to a table where she read tea leaves, monkey skulls, bats blood, and chicken feet, in order to "foresee" what the future held for us. Needless to say, the future held me changing my phone number.

6. Gretchen. Super-models be damned, this girl was gorgeous, perfection! We made our way out into the middle of a lake in a canoe, where I produced a small basket of nosh's for us both to enjoy. I cut a slice of summer sausage and offered it to her, only to hear her proclaim that "the only meat that interested her was that of the human beast" and that "if I let her drink of my blood, then we could be painted together in Satan's unholy masterpiece". Thanks but, I think I hear my mother calling me for dinner.

5. Dee. I didn't know what to think when

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