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I currently work in a library, so here is my top 10 things to do to annoy not just the patrons, but the librarians, library assistants/clerks, and pages.

1. Public Phones/cell phones - have a really loud conversation, ignore all the stares coming from people, ignore the library workers telling you to either take the cell outside or get off the public phone, or just take your voice down a couple decibles. Have your cell phone ring at the loudest possible level to really annoy everyone.

2. Computer usage - if you really want to annoy the Front Desk or Reference Desk, tell them you don't know how to use a computer, then use up their(the librarians/assistants) time for the entire time you're using the computer by asking really inane questions. Tell them you don't know how to print, use Word, or the internet.

3. Movies/music cd's - This is the LIBRARY, remember? If you really want a movie, especially if it was just released, go to Blockbuster or Hollywood Video. A library is a place set up for you to read, not to check out movies. Sorry, this was supposed to be an article about annoying other patrons right?

4. Locations of books - Remember, nonfiction goes by the Dewey Decimel System, or at least it does in my library. What? You were never taught that? Well, if you don't know how to read numbers, I certainly can't help you. Sorry, the library isn't set up like Barnes and Noble, so just go to fiction and find the book by author, in alphabetical order.

5. Smells off of books and other smells. Take a shower if you're going anywhere in the public! As for your books, you know how bad books smell when your cigarettes, etc linger on the books, along with mold?

6. Build a stack of books you're never going to check out, leaving the library staff to pick them up and re-check them in. If you pulled out a lot, it may take a while.

7. Asking when something is, when its on the calender of events, on the website, announced on TV, or even posted on the door on your way in to the library.

8. Letting your children scream and scream and scream. Or, just letting them run helter skelter all over the library. Uh, what happened to discipline?

9. Calling the library to ask if they're open on Christmas, Thanksgiving, July 4th, or any major holiday.

10. Blaming the library for you, the patron, being late with books. I mean really late, the kind that gets you in jail, late. You already paid the court fees, so you don't think you need to pay the library fines? Well, you can't check out books until you do pay the fines, so it was nice seeing you.

Learn more about this author, Cliff Ball.
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