by Paul Rees-Jones

Created on: December 19, 2007

My life had reached a point where I did not want it to continue. My arm was scarred from the cuts and gashes my knife left when my anxiety was too much to handle. I am not a weak man, but I just could not face another day. My wife left me the same week I was diagnosed with diabetes. By leaving me I of course mean she kicked me out. I left with nothing and slowly fell into debt and anger.

I had my children, but I blamed myself for the lives they would have. separation, 2 homes, relationships. i was so angry at my Ex. My job suffered. I hated my parents and siblings. No one understood me, no cared for me. I was ran over by a truck, that made me laugh...until the tears started and wouldn't stop. That was when I decided to go for a swim.

The water was below freezing. I waded out feeling my legs go numb. I remember smiling at the sharp pain in my legs fading into nothing, I went deeper, I felt the icy embrace take my testicles and then waist. I knew that I would seize up soon and melt into the cold water. I would never have to deal with life again. I would sleep and then I would be gone.

As the water rose to my chest I felt my breathing become labored. I felt myself going. I anticipated passing out and never having to deal with life again. That is when I saw my eldest daughter. She was not really there, but I swear I saw her. Then my middle child peeked from behind the eldest, followed by my baby girl. They stared at me. I remember being frightened. I tried to call out to them, but my voice was gone. They began to approach the water. I tried to scream that it was too cold for them. My eldest spoke.

"Daddy, we may as well come with you because this memory will be with us forever,"

That was the slap I needed. I pushed myself back. I felt the water receding, but the pain stayed. I left the lake and I went back to my van. I stripped out of my clothing and into towels left over from a pool visit the previous week. I sat there terrified of what I almost did. I promised to seek help for my children's sake.

I have been ever since and the event allowed me to see that no one's life is perfect and if we allow it to overwhelm us...well you have read what i did.

Since that event i began writing again. I feel re invigorated and alive. I have my moments of depression, but I work through those with a very talented counselor. I have decided to live and I will live for a long time. Three girls need to be walked down that aisle, and I will be damned if any other that me will be doing it!

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