by Jimmy Ettele

Created on: December 15, 2007   Last Updated: March 19, 2008

Behind all the delicately and purposefully coiffed haircuts, perfectly creased power suits and Windsor knotted bold ties pumps the brains of America's potential Commander in Chief. In order to ascend the political ladder to the pinnacle of governmental achievements, our politicians need to embark on a world tour the likes of which Cher has not been able to envision. Apparently Iowa is the eye to our political hurricane? The country need not worry, our brethren in the Hawkeye state have a keen nose for presidential potency. How must our aspiring civil servants do this? They debate.

A debate is an exercise of the mind. How well will our candidates be able to think on their feet while answering questions they have answered continuously for the past 18 months? What is it going to take to finish first in this Amazing Race of presidential debates? "My plan...", "The (insert political party here) want you to pay for it", "I was at 9/11.", "That isn't what I said, I said I would consider...", "I'm going to bring change.", "Hilary Clinton". These are some of the phrases and quotes you might want to add to your already formidable repertoire of words, heaven knows you'll need all the ammunition you can get.

Candidates need a gentle blend of savvy, moxie, charm, precise command for deflecting answers to questions they don't really have, blame game techniques(it's always better to blame another party for your inadequacies), of course how to pull out of a "flip-flop" tailspin, how to explain tax payers money being spent on your mistress, how to be a man for the people while living on a 30,000 square foot estate, how to be the symbol of change when you have been in politics since 1992 pushing all the same ideas, and of course never following the time guideline clearly stated before your empty, rehearsed, pandering anecdotal plans for this country's future.

Let us not forget our presidential hopefuls must make every attempt to interject their lord and savior into at least two thirds of the conversation. We must be able to let the American public know how important Jesus is and how they live their lives the Christian way, even in the face of hypocrisy(if they are so Christian why in the world do some approve of civil unions for homosexuals?).

We must also be mindful to let the public know about your involvement in 9/11 and how you were the leader when we needed one the most. Do not, under any circumstances, answer questions regarding your lack of funding sent to the NYPD and FDNY for advanced communications equipment and your chief of police, who commandeered a room for tired ground zero workers to rest, as his own private den of adultery.

So let's see, you are a spineless, flip flopping, ultra-elite, disconnected, blame everyone but yourself liberal who is a card carrying member of the ACLU? What about our born-again, holier than thou, tough of terrorism cause the democrats aren't, tax cutting, ultra-elite, blame everyone but yourself conservative? Looks like you are ready for your chance at the podium. Just remember, if you want the highest position in the land you are going to have to wage a dialog based war the likes of which the American people have never seen. Get going. Start pandering. Watch your flip flops and remember to say Jesus at least 70 times. And for godsakes's start blaming someone.

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