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Because buying an automobile is about as much fun as a double root canal or attending a Steven Seagal film festival, here is a lighter look at the vehicle purchasing process.

Amortization: The breakdown of the vehicle's purchase price into monthly payments intended to pay back both the principal and interest, although not necessarily in that order.

Anti-Lock Brakes (ABS): A system to prevent brakes from locking by exerting steady and standard pressure to the wheels. Similar to a Shiatsu massage.

Book Value: The value of the automobile to a particular market (i.e. wholesale, retail) as specified in a specific guide like the Kelley Blue Book or the Black Book (no, not that black book, unless someone has conducted several test drives and wishes to rate vehicles accordingly.)

Branded Title: A title with a specific condition stated like "actual mileage unknown," "reconditioned" or "manufacturer buyback." Similar to the mandatory registration of a sex offender.

Broker: A "matchmaker" who, for a ridiculous fee, brings both buyer and seller together. Basically, just another unnecessary cost.

CARFAX: A report available online (www.carfax.com) which allegedly details all of the potential problems with the vehicle; for example, flood or body damage, odometer discrepancies and whether the car has an Oedipal complex or commitment issues. This is especially useful for used cars and blind dates.

Certificate of Title: A legal document proving ownership of a vehicle, either by the registered owner and driver, lien holder, or parents of a spoiled 16-year old.

Certified Used Car: A used vehicle is "certified" when a mechanic who actually passed his "Mr. Goodwrench Car Master" weekend course does the pre-sale inspection.

Co-Signor: A third-party whose signature on the loan guarantees payment of the loan should the primary buyer default. Also, this person must really like the primary buyer or fear the buyer possesses some incriminating evidence about him to assume that degree of responsibility.

Collateral: A tangible item (in this case a vehicle) used to secure the loan. If payments are not made, see Repossession.

Collision Insurance: Insurance designed to take care of the vehicle should it be involved in a collision. Excludes ex-husbands.

Comprehensive Insurance: Insurance which covers property loss to the vehicle that is not collision-related; typically due to hail, theft, vandalism, or parking too close to the golf course's driving range. Arson for hire is not included, so don't even think

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