The flu, oh yes. Generally, I don't get really sick with something except once every couple of years, but when it arrives, it takes a huge hit, and also something else that rhymes with "hit".

I look like a newborn baby, various substances leaking out of every orifice, eyes puffy, my legs as weak as if I had just learned to walk. Also, like a baby, I am in constant need of care and attention. I believe this is what drove my last girlfriend to leave me. I bellow from the couch, "Baby, can you get me a pudding?", or, "Baby, can you bring me a blanket", or, best yet, "Baby, I know I wasn't hungry an hour ago when you offered to make me something to eat, but now I think I could stand to put something in my stomach, can you make me a sandwich?" Damn, no wonder she's out the door.

Though, being sick has it's advantages. You're actually home when the mailman comes so you can yell at him for trampling your flowers, the bastard. You can finally soften your brain with daytime television, because the idiocy of real life is not enough. You can investigate unknown corners of your house in a fever-induced haze. (I never knew how much dust collected here!) You can confess things to people that you wouldn't normally, and later blame it on the fever. (Hey baby, you know that trip I took to Las Vegas, well...) Most importantly, as an overworked slave, you can catch up on sleep, though be it a sweaty and nightmare filled one.

Now, certainly, you must take care of yourself when you're sick. This is the best reason to be on drugs, hey, no one will blame you, even if your buddy comes over to "smoke a little something to help you get your appetite back". Although it may be hard to get yourself up and take a shower, it is of the utmost importance. A shower gives you the opportunity to, in your weakened state, be pushed over by the force of the water, and be found by your girlfriend many hours later, turned into a flavorful stew through a process known as "slow cooking". What fun!

Yes, being sick is a hassle, it's draining, but make sure that you have fun with it as well. Explore and experiment with the multi-colored mucus (Oooo, I've never got Evergreen before!), fall in strange places and wait to be found, finally make that mold of your body in your mattress, and when it's all done, you can say that it wasn't all bad (except for the fact that your girlfriend left you and the place is covered in snotty rags).

Learn more about this author, Daguerreo Darkwielder.
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