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I wouldn't normally describe a man as being beautiful. But in my mind, the overwhelming feeling that comes to me when I think of you, when I remember you, when I love you, is beauty. There was beauty in your eyes, your hands, your laughter, and mostly the way I felt when I was with you.

I haven't felt that beauty in so long, and I ache for it. You are six years and as many states away, yet I remember how you held my face in your hands and looked into my eyes with such love like it was yesterday.

Four years after we had to say goodbye, you looked me up. On the internet. Of course. Small, simple messages were and are all I ever get from you, yet I imagine that I feel the same intensity pouring from your heart that I felt back then.

I imagine that, because to know that you are thinking of me, yet not as pained to be without me as I am to be without you hurts me to the core. I don't know why it's so hard to let this go, I just know I can't. We've both moved on and settled into our lives, but I feel as if we'll always be connected by the intensity that is our two hearts. Wishful thinking perhaps, but it gets me through.

Small, simple messages. I got one from you tonight, it was a song clip. It sounded great, and it was you singing. Different words, but I know I've heard the tune before. It was the song you wrote for me. You tweaked it a little bit, smoothed out the edges, but that was my song. You sent no words with the song, no explanation. I can only hope that the reason for that is so I'll find my song on my own in this music that brought tears to my eyes then and now, in the voice that sounds so comfortable yet so foreign.

Please tell me I'm not feeling this pain all alone. Please tell me that your arms are empty without me too, that you miss my laugh and my smell. I can handle the loneliness if I know you are feeling it too. To endure it alone makes it nearly unbearable.

As painful as it is living with just memories of this love, I am thrilled and grateful to you for making me feel so adored.

It. Was. Wonderful.

It didn't last nearly as long as you'd think happy ever after' should last, but I feel as if that wisp of a moment was my happy ever after'. I never felt it before you, and I haven't felt it since. I'm afraid I'll never feel it again. I miss you, my beautiful friend and lover.

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