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Remember that old saying about leading a horse to water but you can't make him drink? Kids make decisions and not always the right decisions. It is our responsibility to teach children what is right and what is wrong. If we don't teach correct principles like the golden rule our children will be making wrong choices.

However, ultimately it is the young person that makes the decision to do something wrong. We mustn't loose sight of that fact. Just as we mustn't loose sight of the fact that the young person makes the decision, we mustn't loose sight of the fact that the teen needs to take responsibility for his/her actions. A parent shouldn't try to protect them from the consequences of their actions.

I've seen this happen too often. The child is told that if he does this then that will happen, but it never does. The parent doesn't follow through with the consequence. I'm just as bad because there have been times when I was tired or not feeling well that I let my children get by with things that I shouldn't have.

Choose your consequences with care to be sure they will actually be consequences for the child. Don't choose a harsh punishment in the heat of anger and then not follow through after you've calmed down. If you're too angry to think straight, send the child to their room. Usually this isn't a real punishment because of all the things the child has in his room to do, but right now you're not trying to punish the child. You're trying to get some distance and perspective so the punishment you and your spouse decide on (and unless yours is a single parent home, both parents should be in agreement on the punishment)won't be an overreaction. Let them know right from the start that you're not happy with the choices they made and they would have to face the consequences.

When one parent sets a punishment, but the other parent disagrees with their spouse in front of the child, it's not good for discipline. What the child understands is that the one parent doesn't have the power to make the child do what they told them to do. The child has just learned that he can manipulate his parents and play one off against the other.

Divided we fall, united we stand, can be applied to parenting, too. It's easier if the parents have discussed and agreed on their parenting style before the child does something wrong. Even if you don't approve of the punishment your spouse gives the child, stand behind your spouse unless what they are going to do is harmful to the child.

After the child leaves the room you discuss your reservations with your spouse and work toward an agreement on the type of punishment the offense deserves.

Dale L. Edwards

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