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SKINNY CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

Just heard another absurdity. Santa Claus may be going on a low-carb diet. That's right. You heard me correctly. He's been getting increased pressure from a group of politically correct loonies, who assert that Santa is simply too fat to act as a role model for their impressionable kids. And that a toned, slender Santa would encourage children to stay slim and trim and not eat so much."damn" junk food.

"Santa is disgustingly obese. I don't know how he fits in his sleigh or his pants," said an anorexic woman wearing size 0 jeans, as she nibbled on a carrot. "A slimmer, trimmer Santa, with tighter abs and far less jiggle, would set a much better example.than the fat and jolly image he presently portrays."

This latest news didn't sit well with The Man in Red.

"I don't believe it. They want me to lose my famous belly. That shakes when I laugh, like a bowl full of jelly." Said a shocked Old Saint Nick. "I'M NOT A ROCK STAR, LADIES. I'M SANTA. MY FUN FAT IS MY TRADEMARK, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD," he griped. "Fat and jolly goes together," he said. "Besides, Mrs. Claus happens to love my jelly belly. She says it's pinchable," he smiled mischievously. "But these women want me to eat alfalfa sprouts. Join a gym and jog fifteen miles a day," he said. "Where am I going to find the time to do this? Especially this time of year. As it is, I don't have time to feed my reindeers," he sighed. "Maybe they'd like me to replace my sleigh with a treadmill." He said angrily chomping down on a peppermint stick. "Now how would that look? Santa on a flying treadmill." His usually happy face was now starting to take on a decided frown. "They don't want Santa. They want Mr. Universe," he griped.

"And if I give in and lose the weight, then what? When will it end? Who will they target next? The naked Easter Bunny? Are they going to make him wear a robe and underwear? And take speech lessons to correct his lisp. Or kick out the old lady in the shoe? Claiming that she's an unfit mother for allowing so many kids to live in a crowded shoe?" said Santa shaking his head. "Or what about Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. They're already intimating that there's something definitely not kosher going on with those tiny people and Snow White. And want to change their names to Snow White and the Little Perverts. And what about Jack and Jill who went up the hill and Jack wound up with a concussion?

"Maybe we should make them wear helmets before they go climbing hills," said Santa.

And to all a goodnight.

Learn more about this author, Marie Tomas.
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