So you're going to be a father?

It has come to my attention that a few of my younger cousins (three to be exact) are soon to be blessed with babies. One of them already has a child and the other two will be brand new parents. First of all, congratulations! Now I know none of you asked and if you are anything like me, probably are tired of being hammered with parenting advice from others that are trying to "help". This is why I am different, I am in no way offering "help", you are on your own, these are your children, and as hard as you try to convince yourself that you are up to the task, you aren't and soon will be asking a lot of people for help.

I am offering speculation and predictions. Even if I wanted to help I couldn't, I'm in my own war. You will be too, soon.

I recently heard a quote from one of the cousins through their mother (my aunt) to my mother, that his house is not going to be turned into "Romper Room". You are wrong, it will. What is comfortable to you no longer matters. Your house will become barricaded with devices made out of materials they use on the space shuttle, to protect your new born and also to frustrate you. You can no longer go to the cupboards and grab a snack. You will have installed "locks" on all doors, cabinets, drawers, and anything else that has a one in a million chance of harming the baby. Now you have to use your cat burglar skills to crack the safe hiding the Doritos. What's that...you don't have cat burglar skills? You better start practicing. You will need to know how to crack safes, move silently, drive long distances in the middle of the night, and use hand signals to communicate with your wife as not to wake the baby. All electrical outlets will be covered with plastic caps that are impossible for a person over twenty to remove without breaking all your finger nails off, but are removed fairly simply by anyone under the age of four. You will also need to gate off every stairway, doorway, and fireplace so the place looks and feels like Waco, Texas. Oh sure, it's fun to act like FloJo a couple times and hurdle these things, but trust me, sooner or later you will fall flat on your face or pull a hamstring. They also require the IQ of Einstein to open and close correctly, that's why I started hurdling them.

I know you think you have braced yourself for the fact that you will be changing a 'few' diapers. Wrong again. You will be changing 85% of the diapers and here is why. Your wife

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