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At the age of ninteen, I was informed by doctors at the time of my oldest son's birth that I could never again have children. I was devastated. Another great devastation came two years later when he was diagnosed with Leukemia(A.L.L.). We spent several weeks in the hospital before they let us go home. We had at least one appointment each week to return to check his blood work and have other procedures done. I will not go into detail because it is too gruesome for an adult to deal with, much less a child.

Two years of countless surgeries, radiation treatments, stays in the hospital lasting weeks at a time, blood transfusions and chemotherapy treatments had taking a toll on his body. At the age of 4 he weighed 48 pounds. Another devastating blow came in November of that year. My son was diagnosed with a second type of Leukemia(A.M.L.). Now came the use of experimental drugs.

What else could we do but fight. The cancer was not only in his central nervous system and blood stream, but also his bone marrow. The doctors seemed hopeful that we could get him into remission, meaning get rid of one type, long enough to fight the other. This battle was worse. The hospital stays were longer, more operations because the cancer spread to more parts of his body and more intense radiation and chemotherapy treatments. Another ten months passed by with the results being the same, we could not fight them one at a time, it was not helping.

In August of the following year, I found out that I was pregnant. I know that is was divine intervention. Good news, right? It was at the time and he was very excited about being a big brother. I was three months along. Two weeks after finding out, the doctors informed us that our son had possibly two weeks to live. My son had told me that he wanted his brother and sisters to have his things and to make sure that they knew him. We celebrated his fifth birthday in the hospital.

The hardest part was having to tell him that it was okay to let go and that we would be okay, because I wasn't. The doctors had informed me that I had to do this or he, like many of the other children, would hang on and suffer longer. He was my baby and I didn't want him to go, but I did not want him to suffer with this pain. I held him in my arms and sang to him and reassured him that it was okay. At 5 years and 11 days old, my son joined my father and brother in heaven.

In February I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. The following year brought another healthy baby girl and again the next year a healthy baby boy. They are almost teenagers now and I wonder what my son would have been like. He would now be 18. Each of my other children have some similar characteristics. I believe that if I were to mesh them all together, My Son would be there.

I was truly blessed with my other children and nothing in this world can ever replace the son that I lost. When given a second chance to love, take it. It's a long road, but worth the trip. The most important thing in this life is to let the people that you love know it through your words and actions. We always hang his stocking at Christmas and put in little notes. My children know and love their brother, even though they never got to meet him.

There is nothing more horrible than losing a child, especially when you do not have control of the illness. I still think of him often and remember the love and compassion that he had for everyone and everything. Even though he is no longer with us, he is still a part of our lives.

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