I really get off on a good movie.

I like to be administered with a real cerebral and visceral kicking - embedded deep down in my seat at the movie theatre, head tilted at 30 degrees and my whole field of vision obscured by explosions and sexiness and all kinds of madness within slurping range of a bucket-sized fizzy beverage. That's not to say I'm not a discerning moviegoer - I'm as picky as it gets. If I'm going to hand over good money to see a movie then it damn well has to tick ALL my own carefully chosen boxes, and that rarely happens.

My girlfriend, now - she's a different story. She's an avid moviegoer, got her prepaid monthly membership card that means she can stay there all day every day and flit from screen to screen if the mood takes her - and it sometimes does. For her, it's as much about the experience of 'movie-going' as it is the movie itself. And I guess there's a certain amount to be said for being brave enough to engage in a flick that you don't really know anything about - although having the knowledge that it isn't hitting you too hard in the pocket has to bolster your resolve some.

There's just no point in my getting one of those 'all access' cards for myself - I wouldn't have the inclination to use it more than once in a blue moon. 'A passionate portrayal of lost love and redemption across the decades?' Nah. I'll pass. 'A harrowing true story of vengeance and one man's fight to discover the truth?' I won't bother, if it's all the same to you. 'A high-octane roller-coaster ride that delivers explosions and laughs in equal measure?' I don't think so. And how many more by-line cliches do we need, really?

Not only am I a picky so-and-so when it comes to what I'll watch, I'm also cautious about where and when I choose to take my seat. Even when I'm slavering like a hungry bear to see a movie, my instinct is to wait until the initial rush subsides - having to share a theatre with a couple of hundred masticating, bag rustling, giggling, fidgeting humans might be many people's idea of a good time, but it ain't mine - and when I get there why on earth would I ascend to the very back of the theatre to watch the movie from way up there when a seat in the middle of the front block fills my entire field of vision? I just don't get it.

So. I sound like an overly picky, antisocial critic of the movie medium. I know. But you see - my standards for visual and imaginary entertainment were set in early childhood, and they weren't set by

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