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I need help. Seriously. It's been a decade of dating for me, and I am still no closer to finding an answer to the one thing I don't understand about men.

I tried asking other women for help, but that's like asking a blind man if your butt looks big. All my single girlfriends apply their theories on men to episodes of Sex in the City. I've seen them all, too, and I'm still perplexed. All my married girlfriends want to tell me about their husband, and while I appreciate the gesture, one man does not an entire species make!

So, I'm going to ask all the guys out there to help a girl out. A really cute girl, if that motivates you. You can also pretend that I'm rich and know how to make pot roast. Now that you are drooling over my potential hotness/wealth/apron, please take a moment to answer one question about your own kind:

WHY IS FARTING FUNNY?

This really bothers me! I once dated a guy who let them rip all over town. If we went shopping, I'd hear him two aisles over! One time, he thought it would be funny to smoke me out of the towel section in Bed, Bath & Beyond. I could not ride more than two miles in the car without having to roll down the windows. Needless to say, the relationship didn't last long. Maybe if he had some sort of diagnosed intestinal problem, I could have considered sticking it out a bit longer. But when ever omission was met with a devilish grin, I had no choice but to cut him loose!

Another guy I dated felt the need to announce not just impending gas, but any and every type of bowel movement. Not only would he let me know, but he also felt the need to put a creative spin on it. For example, instead of saying, "Please excuse me, honey, I have to go to the restroom" my guy felt necessary to blurt out, "It's time for the Super Bowl, featuring the Cleveland Browns!" Then he would giggle all the way to the bathroom. What's a girl to do?

As if Sir Farts-a-Lot and Senor I. Gotta Poop weren't winners enough, I really think guy number three takes the Beano on this one. He was the king of SBDs (Silent But Deadly - for those of you not in the know) and he loved to show off in any crowded space. Dressing rooms, subways, elevators - you name it, he'd find a way to pollute it. At first I thought it was just a coincidence. Then, one night, he gazed at me from beneath the dim of the movie theater aisle lights, and said, "You know that really raunchy smell during the previews? All me, baby. We should eat wings more often!" Sadly, I knew - from experience - that it had to end.

Men of the world, I ask you - WHY? WHY? WHY?

I've been dating for a decade now, and when it comes to men and flatulants, I find that not much has changed since I turned sixteen. Maybe that's why my dad didn't want me dating? Did he not want his little girl to almost suffocate...on more than one occasion?!?!

Please guys, help me out. Either explain this gas passing enigma to me, or spread the word that farting isn't funny. If not for me, do it for the hot, rich, pot-roast-cooking girl of your dreams.

Learn more about this author, L. Layendecker.
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