Are you the life of the party, or a wallflower when it comes to attending your company's Christmas/holiday bash? Are you sick of the same old behavior you observe at the annual schmoozefest, and looking for ways to tell that kiss-ass in the next cubicle where exactly they can stick it? Well, here are the Top 10 Suggestions on livening up this year's company soire.

1. Go in drag. Tell everyone with the guts to ask that that is how you always dress on your time off. Be sure to wink suggestively at every member of the same sex, and ask them to go dancing after.

2. Bring a dog, cat or ferret, preferably one you can fit in a small bag and carry around under your arm. Do not feed it for the entire day, and be sure to keep the open end near the buffet. Ignore any queries on what is in the bag, and look at anyone asking as if they have suddenly gone insane.

3. Set your cell phone to go off every fifteen minutes, and pretend that you are taking a business call. Just for some variety, pretend now and then that it is your bookie.

4. Any time the office suck-up approaches the boss, cut them off at the pass. Be sure to spill something that will leave a stain on them at least twice.

5. Hit on the boss's spouse. Ask them if they still remember how to "do that special thing they did the last time."

6. Hit on the office rival, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender. Loudly remind them of the "great time you had last year."

7. Stuff food in your pockets, loudly announcing that that is the only way you will be able to eat this month, with the high utility bills and raises falling behind the increase of the price in cheese.

8. Stand up after fifteen minutes, stare at the plate in front of you, and shout "Oh My God!" and rush out of the room. Refuse to answer questions when you return.

9. Ask everyone there to sign up for matching bowling shirts, and to sponsor your curling team.

10. Fall asleep, or at least do a passable imitation.

One final tip: Make sure your resume' is current and updated, and even better, already have another job lined up. If you follow these simple steps, you are sure to need one or both come the New Year.

Learn more about this author, W Thomas Payne.
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