by Falyn Dimas

Created on: December 02, 2007

The Mall Maul Survival Kit

This kit contains the 9 necessities for mall shopping. Proper usage will insure the user's survival during times when they are likely to be mauled.

Warning: The makers of the Mall Maul Survivor Kit cannot be held responsible for any aggressiveness, anger, stress, frustration, or bah humbugs that result from improper use

This kit fits comfortably in a backpack, diaper bag, or purse.

Contents include:

1)Aspirin - because you will already have a stress headache from trying to find a parking spot, and will need something for aches and pains associated with shopping. It is suggested that pills be ingested at least 30 minutes prior to arrival

2)Marbles - because yours will inevitably fall out and you will need to replace them in order to find your vehicle and go home

3)Ear Plugs - because you are quite happy not to hear another round of We Wish you a Merry Christmas until next year

4)Sales Fliers - because you will need to have a planned route of stores and what you are getting in order to be quick and efficient, may also double as a great face hider to avoid feeling ashamed as you pass Santa ringing that darn salvation army bell (after all you have given in to that Santa all over town)

5)Realistic Toy cell phone - because you will want a way to clear lines at the busy stores...we suggest a line like "Well the doctor said its highly contagious, but I really have to finish this Christmas shopping. Do not attempt this with a real phone as it may ring and blow your cover while you are "talking." You also will not want to be reached at anytime in the "maul" while you are shopping it is a sign of weakness

6)Tennis Ball - because you will want to chuck something at the weak shoppers walking and talking on their cell phones

7)Digital Camera - because it is important to have Christmas memories - take a picture of Santa with a kid on his knee, you can later photo shop your own child in and never again pay an astronomical price for a picture of your kid screaming and reaching for you

8)pen - because even though it seems simple enough it is often forgotten, you will need a pen to cross of your list as you go. Organization is the key. It is also important to note at this time that this object will provide you with a weapon should an emergency situation arise. For example, you may find yourself battling at the shelf over the last Bratz Makeover Doll.

9)The Surviving the "Maul" Tip Book - Free with each kit and includes extra holiday tips that you do not require extra accessories like:

1)Intentionally step on the backs of feet when people are walking slowly or bump into them when they have stopped in major walkways...mask it as an accident and watch as they move out of your way
2)Be sure to yell at another shopper (at least one) in a crowded part of department store, watch as jaws drop and people move later you can
3)Do not feel badly for your actions later you can repent by visiting the angel tree, or throwing some change at the salvation Santa
4)Shop on-line while drinking some wine and enjoying holiday classics, not recommended if your mother-in-law is visiting because you will want to rough the mall.

We guarantee that this product will make your season merry and bright. This item will not last long and is only available for a limited time.

Available at malls everywhere Christmas 2007.

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