I was married at age seventeen to a man who was seventeen years older than I was, escaping an abusive life with my mother. I looked up to him as my knight in shining armor. He would take care of me and I would have no worries. I knew that being older, chances were that he would pass on before I did and I fretted, "who would take care of me then?" I had always been independent, but also wanted to be cared for, as opposed to having to care for.

That was then.

I am now forty four and have been divorced for eighteen months. That knight in shining armor was really tarnished. I hung in for twenty five years, hoping that it would get better. I looked forward to divorce, knowing that everything would be better than it was while I was married.

Instead, I am alone. I worry about the future. I hate waking up alone in the cold darkness of night, so I tend to leave lights on and a plump pillow braced next to me in bed, a pseudo-presence of something that is no longer there. I had thoughts that everything would work out, that I would find someone who could love me and we'd do all the mundane things together with a jovial spirit.

I did find someone, but he's married. He does all those mundane things with his wife, yet he knows he is missing something in life as well. He is not happy either. Unfortunately, he is too comfortable in his marriage and too scared of the unknown to leave. So I wait on the wings, wondering how long I should wait. Dear Abby says I am a fool and to get out of this relationship. I look at my kids. What have I put them through since I walked out of my marriage? I saved them from witnessing their father's abuse towards me, yes, but I have placed them into a lower level of financial security. I am working several jobs to make ends meet, I have met several other men who think more of the brain between their legs than the one in their head. Easy ride, no strings attached. No thanks, I am no one's sexual toilet.

I wish for that crystal ball, to see what life will be like in another twenty or so years. Had I seen then what I know now, I would NOT have been in a hurry to settle down while so young. I would not have felt like my ex was THE only one, when instead, according to a friend of mine, there are busses that run through here all the time, you'll catch the next one.

So I sit, I ponder, I make do and I love what I have. I have proven to myself that, yes, I CAN do this alone, but you know what? It would sure be nice to have someone to share it with!

Life is indeed a journey, and look! Here comes a bus now!

Learn more about this author, Diane Ganzer.
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