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Leather - definitely wear leather, or a bomber jacket AND a red beret; you need to stand out to not get shoved, bumped into or "mauled at the mall" - anything RED, and the more "shoulder pads", the better. Let us not forget "combat boots" or some other serious foot statement (think "Yo' mother wears ...").

Now, you're ready to "walk the walk"; take wide, determined strides and sweep through the crowds - you are a shopper with a mission! Look like you KNOW where you're going, and make like an "alpha" native New Yorker.

Department store tactics:

(1) If you've a slim frame, DO hoist your shopping bags like flying buttresses - you'll need the support when everyone is dashing to out-shop you in cramped aisles. Take up space!

(2) If you're custom-built to cushion the push, DO protect your assets by flailing arms where necessary - just to remind folks that you are not there to bolster the weary amidst a crush of fellow shoppers.

(3) DO get spritzed wherever possible by perfume hawkers - it'll soothe your soul and if the right (or wrong!) mix of scents is attained, it'll say "Get out of the way!"

(4) Mall air can be quite oppressive so step outside for the occasional gulp of fresh oxygen. Pace yourself - don't wait till you see spots and feel woozy in a hostile shopping aisle.

Food Court tactics:

If you're well prepared, you shouldn't ever find yourself braving the lines or searching for a seat in "standing room only" dining territory. You need to think "preemptive" when it comes to munching out at the mall.

PLEASE have packed some bottled spring water in an oversized purse - DO have salty snacks on hand to combat the sweats that come with frantic shopping; a protein-packed packet of peanuts will do, along with some carbohydrate, like chips or pretzels. Worry about dieting some other time - besides, "food court" food can be lethal for the digestive faculties if not the figure. Eat a fortifying meal BEFORE tackling the "maul".

Now, negotiate a corner of the court to "munch" and sip a bit. If that's impossible, lock yourself in a cubicle of the rest room and nosh in secret - department store dressing rooms are also good for that purpose. All you really need to do is raise your blood sugar level up a notch and hydrate.

Rest room tactics:

Once you've weathered the queue and secured a cubicle in the little girl's (or boy's) room, take advantage of the luxury; but not to get too comfortable! Beware of automated flushing toilets. They are not to be trusted! You've been warned.

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