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Ah, teens. Who would have thought that such a monosyllabic, seemingly innocuous word could be responsible for initiating such horrified spinal shudders, uncontrollable stomach churns and erratic eyelid twitching of the parents reading this article.

Just to be extra nasty, I will say it again. Louder, this time. TEENS. They have wreaked havoc in family homes around the world and inflicted misery and torment and sleepless nights upon many. They are but one of the compilation of notorious modern inventions: they are as rapidly explosive and lethal as the atomic bomb, and just as invisibly sinister as the weapons of mass destruction.

And now that Christmas is hurtling towards us all at a breakneck speed, it is now time to confront your paralyzing fear of a repeat rendition of last year's disastrous Christmas. Here is some advice on how to avoid embarrassing your teen girl, and thus, the cold stares, the protruding, quivering lower lip, the tears the next day, when they have compared the catalogue of gifts of which their friends were the recipients.

It is crucial to remember, when buying a gift, that teenagers are well past that stage of wide-eyed innocence. They no longer believe in Santa Claus and only roll their eyes in exasperation as a sooty Dad struggles down the chimney, before re-gluing them onto the computer or mobile screen. When they were little, even when you gave them something they did not specifically want, their eyes still lit up with the mere thought that the elves had worked on this piece of twisted plastic all year round and that Santa Claus had come to their homes especially to deliver it. But now, God help you if you surprise' your teen girl with an unexpected daggy gift.

The best manual I can recommend for What-Not-to-Give-Your-Teenager -On-Christmas is to re-read Harry Potter, and note the unpopular but well-intentioned gifts of the loving Weasley matriarch. Yes. Unfortunately for all those supreme champions of home crafts, such as knitting or embroidery, your daughters definitely are not equally avid aficionados of your homemade masterpieces. They are not at a stage where they appreciate the long hours you spent weaving secretly by candlelight. They are not at a stage where they can judge a gift by its sentimental value.

Conversely, teenagers are in that perpetual, avariciously materialist, If-that-is-not-Designer-or-a-b elievable-imitation-I-am-so-li ke-going-to-barf mode. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment, if the shoes are not unbearably

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