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Could someone please explain to me why I would want to take an allergy medication that could give me cataracts and glaucoma? Is it because I'd rather be blind than suffer sneezing all the time? They should include that in the TV commercials. "Side effects include your eyeballs popping out, but hey, at least you're not sneezing."

What about an osteoporosis drug that can cause severe bone pain? Um, isn't that what it's supposed to prevent? If you have osteoporosis you can get severe bone pain for free and your insurance company never even needs to know!

Now, I know arthritis can be terribly painful, but when the medication has the possibility of causing my death or putting me in kidney failure, I tend to think perhaps there's another option that's less... fatal. Like hitting yourself over the head with a large rock. Your head will hurt but it will take the focus off the arthritis pain for a bit. Oooh, and these drugs can also cause heart attacks. Well, that's a sure-fire way to relieve your arthritis, isn't it?

If I have restless leg syndrome and I want to cure it, I would be worried about the prescription drug giving me the urge to gamble. How does this happen? Will I wake up in the morning, well rested, and inexplicably drive to the nearest casino and start dropping quarters into slot machines like I can't stop myself? I guess I'd better start saving my laundry money.

And really, if a weight loss product advertises even the slightest chance of causing "anal leakage" or "rectal bleeding", I'm gonna have to pass. "Why is she walking funny with a sweater wrapped around her waist?" "Oh, she's got anal leakage again. But look at how skinny she is!"

I'm not a guy, so maybe I'm missing something here, but is it worth the possibility of partial blindness to be able to... uh... "perform"? And, while they don't list this as a side effect, I'm thinking any male enhancement drug that makes men sit around singing to each other about their.. uh.. "performance" abilities might be cause for concern. I'm just sayin'.

Where are the drugs with the GOOD side effects? "This drug may make you wake up much richer and prettier, and make you irresistible to men." "Side effects include a great hairstyle and the cutest shoes!" "Taking this drug may give you the ability to smell a clearance sale within 10 miles."

I think I need to call my doctor.

Learn more about this author, Jessica Woollard.
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