1. Steal things. Start with paperclips, pens and other assorted stationery if you're new to the whole dishonesty thing. After all, they have so much, surely it's there for everyone to help themselves and stock their personal larders.

2. Personal telephone calls. Lots and lots of them. Ring everyone you know. Local, interstate, international... it doesn't matter. And keep the phone calls long, chatty and loud. The company won't mind at all.

3. Personal e-mails. Share every joke, affirmation, chain letter, scam mail and hoax that comes into your inbox with everybody else in the company. Don't forget the general manager or CEO. Rude, offensive, suggestive or downright pornographic pictures are fine. The more obnoxious the better.

4. Breaks. Take lots of breaks. Smoking breaks, morning and afternoon tea breaks, standing around the water-cooler breaks, chatting to the person sitting next to you breaks. Work is, well, hard work. You need plenty of breaks to cope with the stress.

5. Lunches - the really long ones where there's lots of food and drink, and you come back sleepy and half-drunk. Or perhaps you're more of a shopper. You couldn't possibly miss those lunch-time sales. The boss wouldn't want you to either.

6. Punctuality. Bosses hate punctuality, they're just in denial about it. No one cares if you're five, ten, thirty minutes late, and it's perfectly understandable when it happens every day. I mean, they're lucky you made it at all. Which brings me too...

7. Sick days. They're there to be taken whether you're sick or not. After all, there's the stress of getting out of bed and getting ready for work to consider. Sometimes it's just all too much trouble.

8. Lie. Oops, you've done something wrong. Goodness me, you can't take the blame for everything you do. Blame someone else straightaway. Just remember to keep a straight face and a steadfast heart, no getting soft when that other [completely innocent] person is reprimanded or penalised.

9. Rudeness. Telephone calls are such a pain! The people you work with are nearly as bad. How can they even think of bothering you when you're about to take a much needed break? Cut them off, be rude enough so that they'll leave you alone. You have much better things to do than deal with their problems or queries.

10.Be Corrupt. Use company resources for your own personal gain, accept gifts and gratuities in exchange for deals and contracts. Pass on confidential information to competitors and leak sensitive documents to the media. Let "the public have a right to know" be your guiding motto, just make sure you're being remunerated for your trouble.

Follow the above guidelines and you're sure to be sacked, fired, kicked out of every job you land, and eventually blackballed from your chosen field of endeavour. But don't worry about it, there's always some poor sucker that hasn't heard of you... yet!

Learn more about this author, Trish Anderson.
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