by Julie Michael

Created on: November 27, 2007   Last Updated: February 17, 2009

Second marriages can work, but it isn't a piece of cake.

No marriage is easy, but when you add baggage of previous marriages or relationships, it can be extremely difficult to make a second marriage work. I am not a big advocate of divorce, but, having been divorced twice myself, I'm definitely not one to point fingers. But I can share my experiences with others, and hope to help someone else.

As I mentioned, I've been divorced twice, so I'm married for the third time. My husband has been married once before, so this is his second marriage. We have not, by any means, had an easy time of it. Both of us brought baggage from our previous relationships into our marriage, and our expectations were higher of each other than those of the average newlywed couple.

If you're getting married for the second time, or if your spouse has been married before, it can be extremely difficult to set healthy boundaries in the relationship. It can also be equally difficult to deal with past baggage or issues, from the former relationships. Both of you must be willing to work on the issues that arise due to past baggage of former relationships, and also be willing to work on any previous individual issues that weren't dealt with before.

Without pointing blame at anyone, if the original issues that contributed to the first divorce(s) aren't dealt with, then you can hardly expect to make your marriage now work. This includes issues of abuse in past marriages. If you were abused by your first spouse, then the emotional/mental trauma from that has to be dealt with, or you will not be able to make a success of your second marriage.

Making a second marriage work can be extremely difficult and time-consuming, but making any marriage work can be difficult. There is no easy way to make your marriage work, whether it's the first, second or fifteenth!

Marriage is a life-long commitment, and I often wonder at that. I think perhaps God intended it that way because it can, and does, take a lifetime to make a successful marriage. There is no one-size-fits-all solution to making a marriage work, and there are no easy answers.

Communication and respect are of utmost importance in making any marriage work, and recognizing mistakes in previous relationships can go a long way towards preventing mistakes in your current marriage.
I strongly suggest premarital counseling for any couple getting married, and especially those entering into second marriages. If you don't recognize and prevent mistakes of the past, then history is far more likely to repeat itself.

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