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All people find themselves faced with some variant of the question of whether and when to "come out of the closet." The "closet" is a metaphor for shame, secrecy, silence, and the withholding of one's talents and vision; "coming out" is a metaphor for a moment of truth when one decides to be honest and open about some unique, earth-shaking dream, recognizing that this will drastically change the course of one's life and possibly the lives of others.

The phrase "coming out of the closet" narrowly refers to publicly claiming a gay identity for the first time, but almost everyone has struggled with life decisions of similar magnitude, having to do with accepting who they are and becoming who they want to be.

Telling others that one is gay is a personal decision. There are many ways to "come out": confiding in a professional therapist or other trusted advisor, telling a friend, writing a letter to long-distance family members, publishing an essay, putting a bumper sticker on one's car, introducing a lover. These public actions gradually become routine to people who are "out" for many years, but the first time someone does them, they are terrifying and any negative response (no matter how mild) can be devastating. For one's own emotional well-being, as well as actual physical safety and financial security, it is recommended to wait until one feels strong and well-prepared before stirring up such an emotional topic.

First, meet other gay people. You will greatly benefit from the wisdom of others who have traveled similar paths and who have had to tell their families the same story. They can become your friends and allies. Meeting even one other gay person who you like and trust can greatly reduce the feeling of isolation.

If you are sure you want to come out, first try telling the people who you believe are most likely to accept you. After gathering a few allies, you will be in a better position to tell the people whose reaction you fear the most. "Coming out" isn't a one-time event. Not only will you have to choose whether to tell everyone in your current social circle, but, every time you meet a new acquaintance, you will have to assess whether this person, too, should know.

Being "out" isn't an all-or-nothing state of affairs. A person can be "out" in some ways, but not in others. For example, one might be open about an association with various lesbian acquaintances and political

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